A Househusband Macho or Something
by College Fool
Summary: Jaune left Beacon for a SAHD life. It's not a step down by any means: Jaune may have failed to graduate as a Hunter, but he totally passes as a Stay At Home Dad. Behold the highest tier of manhood where badasses fear to tread: managing the home front. A series of shorts about Jaune and the lady of RWBY/JNPR that is the mother of his children. (Not a harem. Parallel fics on a theme)
1. First Stanza: All

Dedication: This is for all those awesome fathers out there, especially the stay at home homies. You guys who do a good job raising kids? You rock.

Disclaimer: I (probably for the best) don't own RWBY, which belongs to RoosterTeeth. I also don't own the song 'Househusband Macho,' which belongs to Mike Nobel. You can get it from iTunes or Amazon.

Summary: Jaune left Beacon for a SAHD life. It's not a step down by any means: Jaune Arc may have failed to graduate as a Hunter, but he totally passes as a Stay At Home Dad. Behold the life of the even more impressive Papa Arc, who does what many a badass never dares do: manage a household. A series of shorts, each between Jaune and the lady of RWBY/JNPR that is the mother of his children. (Parallel AUs, not harem.) (Updated daily)

* * *

/

 **A Househusband Macho Or Something**

/

* * *

 **I**

Well he was born in the heat of Feminist flames/

When women grew tired of domestic chains/

He saw their plight, he joined their fight/

He has the guts to makes things right!

/

* * *

/

"What are we going to do, Jaune?"

That was the question, wasn't it? What _do_ you do with an unplanned pregnancy before graduation? It would seem like a simple decision- a binary 'yes' or 'no.' But it's not just the 'what,' but 'how' and 'why.' There were many things you could do in response to that- but there were things he most certainly wouldn't do.

"Well first, I'm going to take responsibility," he said, as if it were even in question. "Next… we'll figure it out together." He took her hand and squeezed in solidarity.

She smiled, even though it didn't answer the question she meant. "It's just… the timing," she said. "You picked the worst time to get hurt, you know that?" she said, thinking back those months.

Jaune remembered- remembered the pain and fear from the brush with death, but he laughed instead. "I don't think my getting hurt caused this," he said with a chuckle. "I think it was what you did afterwards." A young couple of older teenagers, nearly broken apart and so relieved not to have been, emotions and hormones and relief and love overflowing, and yet no one had questioned when she'd said she would take care of her boyfriend and gone to the infirmary alone one night and-

"Are you saying this is my fault?" she asked, possibly joking but almost certainly not.

"I don't think 'fault' matters," Jaune said, tempering his inherent good nature with the maturity he'd picked up in the years since coming to Beacon. "It's not a bad thing," he said with another squeeze. "They're not a bad thing," he repeated, humanizing the unborn.

"I know, but-" she began, addressing the problem. "How can I become a Huntress if I'm raising them?" She had dreams- a future she had worked hard for- ambitions that didn't correspond with being cooped up in a home.

Even _if_ the timing could work out, even _if_ she could arrange to finish this semester and gave birth over the summer and struggle to get back into fighting shape for their final year, there's no way she could attend classes _and_ manage two babies. She hadn't meant for this, she'd thought children would be safely off in the far future. This was such a _complication_ she didn't need or wan-

"Then don't," Jaune said simply, and despite her own thought that had been forming in her head her blood chilled. Did he- was he really- yes, technically it was one of those binary options, and there would be those who would tell them that they were doing the right and responsible thing. But to say it so casually-

"I'll raise them," Jaune continues in the same breath. She looked at him in surprise, and he looked back with sincerity, and he squeezed her hand reassuringly. "I'll raise them," he said again. "We'll finish the year together, and we'll find a place nearby, and after the summer I'll stay with them while you come back to finish Beacon. And then when you graduate I'll still stay with them and raise them while you're off saving the day and bringing in the lien."

"Jaune," she said, touched and grateful but well aware that the reasons that applied to her applied to him as well. "I don't want to force you to give up your dream."

To be a Hunter. To be a Hero and save lives, like his father and grandfather and so on. He shouldn't have to give that dream away just because of something they'd done, something she'd wanted just as much as him. She'd been the one to enter his room in the medbay that night, she'd been the one who woke him by-

"I don't want you to give up yours either," he said back, brushing her knuckles with his thumb. "Besides, it's better this way- I've already changed my baby sisters' diapers enough to know what I'd be doing. And my knee? It's better, but it's still acting up now and then. The world needs the most amazing Hero it can out there kicking butt, and that's you," Jaune said with pride.

"Jaune," she began, tone warning against reverting into old self-pity and self-depreciation. He'd come a long way from the last-in-class weakling of their freshmen year. If he hadn't, she wouldn't have entertained the thought of a serious relationship, they wouldn't be here.

But Jaune didn't wallow- he'd kept moving forward past that, matured into the man who'd caught her eye. "Besides," he claimed, "I wouldn't be giving up my dream- just changing up the order a little."

He explained, and she listened.

"I've always wanted to have a family one day, you know?" Jaun said. "It wasn't just about a pretty girlfriend and fun dates and heroic adventures. I wanted to be like my ancestors, but they weren't just Heroes- they were parents. They did great things and then they came home and played with their sons and grandsons. They were awesome, and I wanted to be like that too."

He looked at her, and if there were some regret and tension behind his eyes his smile was still genuine. "Being a Hunter? That's cool, don't get me wrong- but I already know I could be one now. Graduating is just a diploma if you could already pass the test, and not to brag but Team JNPR is awesome- they won't fail whether I'm there or not. A diploma would just make it official. But the real Heroes, like my family that I want to be like? They don't need diplomas. They don't just save lives."

He reached out, and gently caressed the beginnings of the bulge at her belly.

"They give people a chance to live," he whispered. "You don't get to be like that if you refuse to raise a family, you know? So I'm not really giving up anything."

She looks at him, sees him talking not just to her but directly to the lives beginning inside her, and she smiles. If there were any doubts- that this was a mistake rather than simply unplanned, that it was hormonal puppy love rather than something serious, that she made the wrong choice with the wrong guy and this is the unfortunate result- if there were any doubts, this is the moment she can confidently throw them away and focus on planing their future with the young man before her.

"You," she declares with more than a hint of pride, as if challenging anyone to dispute her, "are going to be an excellent father, Jaune."

Jaune smiles back, even though the hard work hasn't even begun.

/

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/

Author Notes:

Those following 'A Common Criminal or Something' understand how this works: a post a day, each building on each other with deliberate pacing. If you don't like that sort of pacing, come back on Father's Day. If it seems slow now, give it a day or three.

This is not a 'build up' romance story. This is a story in which the relationship is already well underway- and more than a few months beyond that. You don't need to know the why or how it started- you don't even need to know the 'who' the heroine is in this case. The 'who' is 'all of them'- it's a quantum state, where it could have been any of them at the same time. Jaune would have had this conversation, and made this choice, with all of them. This is the foundational moment with the (ambiguous) girl, and all that would have changed would have been a style of speech. Going forward it won't be so ambiguous.

But let's be clear on something: this is not a harem. This is a series of shorts, which collectively encompasses the ladies of RWBY and JNPR. In each of them Jaune is with one, and only one, girl. Next chapter will by Pyrrha, and only Pyrrha will be the mother. The chapter after that, Pyrrha will never have been the mother, and it'll be someone else's story. And so on. The constant is Jaune. Context may change- the love of his life/mother of his children may change- but Jaune is Jaune is Jaune.

You'll see soon enough.


	2. Second Stanza: Pyrrha

Dedication: This is for all those awesome fathers out there, especially the stay at home homies. You guys who do a good job raising kids? You rock.

Disclaimer: I (probably for the best) don't own RWBY. I also don't own the song 'Househusband Macho.'

Summary: Jaune left Beacon for a SAHD life. It's not a step down by any means: Jaune Arc may have failed to graduate as a Hunter, but he totally passes as a Stay At Home Dad. Behold the life of the even more impressive Papa Arc, who does what many a badass never dares do: manage a household. A series of shorts, each between Jaune and the lady of RWBY/JNPR that is the mother of his children. (Parallel AUs, not harem.) (Updated daily)

* * *

/

 **A Househusband Macho Or Something**

/

* * *

 **II**

Now there's a new kinda man in our land/

With lonely pride, he makes his stand/

Raisin' babies is his first love/

And he works all day in Playtex gloves!

/

* * *

/

"I'm sorry, but another mission came up in Atlas. Another week, at least."

"It's alright, Pyrrha," Jaune said, hiding any hint of annoyance.

They'd known this was going to happen- known that she'd have to make up the practicals and earn the extra credit and take more training missions in order to make up for the lost time of the pregnancy. Beacon had done more to accommodate them than they had any right to ask- it was more than fair to uphold their end of the bargain.

It was still difficult, though. She'd carried the babies for nine months, but he felt as if he'd barely seen her or slept in the nine… twelve… however many weeks it had been since. At times it felt like she'd barely delivered the newborns and kissed their crowns before she'd handed them to him and thrown herself back into her training regimen, leaving him to hold the squalling babes through day and night. Sometimes it felt she was only visiting on the weekends, when convenient, rather than coming home from school to their family. Sometimes he felt abandoned and ignored.

Felt, but he knew otherwise. Knew better. That was the lack of sleep talking, and he could see the dark rings beneath her eyes as well. She was working hard. They both were. And they were both making these calls, and both glad to see each other, even if they were both one bad thought from saying one bad thing that they wouldn't really mean but would regret for the rest of their lives together.

Pyrrha's eyes darted to the edges of the screen. "Are they… are they up?" she asked, a bit of longing audible in her voice. They were her babies too. He wasn't the only one she missed. He shouldn't be selfish.

"They just fell asleep. Sorry," Jaune said, even though he really wasn't. Getting them to go to sleep at the same time felt like a minor miracle sometimes- keeping them that way a major one.

"Oh," Pyrrha said, and for just a moment she looked so downcast that Jaune felt ashamed at his previous thought.

"It's alright- I can go get them," he said, and even though she tried to demur (she saw the rings under his eyes as well) that's exactly what he did. And lo and behold, major miracles did happen- the terrible toddlers were beautiful babies for the Mother, and the look of maternal love on Pyrrha's face would have been worth it even if they had been squalling.

After showing them off and letting Mother whisper her love for them and putting them back away, Jaune and Pyrrha went back to talking.

"How are you holding up?" she asked, concerned.

"I'm tired, but I'm okay," Jaune admitted. "Ren and Nora and all of RWBY come by every once in a while, looking after the kids or helping with the shopping. Lets me get a few hours of sleep each week," he joked.

"We have great friends," Pyrrha appreciated. Without them- without their support last semester and over the summer and now and always- they probably wouldn't have been able to stick together. To handle the stress and the pressure and the reactions of their peers and teachers and everything else.

"The best," Jaune agreed. They did have great friends, and in no small part thanks to them they were managing- barely as it may feel at times. "How about you, Pyrrha? How are you holding up?"

"I'm making it," she said. "At this rate Mrs. Goodwitch says I should meet the graduation requirements with time to spare. Ren and Nora and I have already finished the team mission requirements, and they're helping me with the individual requirements even though they're practically finished already. And I'm back in top form, too, ready for the next Championship," she said, proud of her accomplishment, but then she looked a little bashful and guilty. "I wish I was back home with you and the babies, though," she admitted.

 _You should be_ , the tired and cranky and ruinous part of his mind almost said. _What kind of mother isn't with her own children?_ It wanted to demand, wanting to spite and relish in the hurt that would no doubt fleet across Pyrrha's face if he actually said it. Exhaustion was a bitch, and wanted to make him one too.

Jaune stuffed it back down where it belonged- down, out of the way, safely suppressed until he could talk it out with Ren, best friend and informal confidant-slash-counselor that the school counselors had recommended he and his new wife find. Someone who wouldn't judge and wouldn't share but let him vent and would watch the kids for a few hours and let him get the sleep that would let him remember that he really loved Pyrrha and that things were just a little stressful right now. That spiteful voice was a part of him, a part of him he wasn't proud of all the more because it wasn't entirely lying, but it wasn't all of him either.

The rest of Jaune, the rest that was tired but truly would never want to hurt the love of his life and mother of his children and the amazing girl who chose him when she could have chosen anyone else, the rest of him who was so proud of the woman far away from home doing great things, understood.

"I wish you were too," he said honestly. "I miss you. Come back safe."

"I miss you too. I will," Pyrrha promised, and ended the call.

He looked at the screen longingly for more than a moment, but before he could turn to try and steal a few precious minutes of sleep there was a knocking on the door. Muted- they'd installed a rubber stopper in hopes of not waking the babies- but enough to draw his attention.

It was Nora and Ren, arms overflowing with baby supplies for their godchildren. "We're back!" Nora sang cheerfully, even as she held a crate of baby wipes over her shoulder. He didn't bother asking to keep her voice down. Somehow, and he'd never known how, Nora never woke the babies. Trying to keep her quiet, however, never failed to.

Ren stepped through, carrying a mass-package of cleaning gloves. "Did Pyrrha call?" he asked politely, quiet enough that he never woke the babies either. Truly the best friends a new father could ask for.

"We just finished," Jaune answered. "How much did we get this time?" he asked in return.

Ren just shook his head with a smile. "It's going to be a couple trips to the truck and back," he said, and tired as he was Jaune stood the help them with the next trip despite their insistence that he didn't need to. "I still can't believe we didn't pay for a thing," Ren admitted after Jaune insisted even more.

"Yeah," Nora agreed, equally impressed. "Do you think Pyrrha's Championship sponsors would pay for our baby supplies too?"

Tired as he was, Jaune wouldn't have paid any attention to the vague and harmless wording had something odd not happened. Ren coughed, fumbled, and dropped his keys, and despite his attempt to maintain his composure his eyes weren't the only pink on his face.

Pieces clicked, Nora covered her mouth with her hands but didn't look very ashamed at all, and Jaune's tired mind picked up speed, wondering if he should call Pyrrha back right away or wait. Technically Team JNPR was disbanded and he was no longer team leader, but in spirit they were still together. Nora was still like a sister to him, and the previously spiteful part of him mind was gleefully anticipating the shared misery to come.

Jaune slowly bent as if to pick up the keys, but picked up the cleaning gloves instead and passed them back to Ren. _You're going to need these soon enough, believe me,_ the little corner of his mind sang, and right now he wasn't ashamed of it at all even as a smirk made its way to his face. _So much for waiting until after graduation to start, huh Ren? Team JNPR is going to go down in school history for this. Way to take after your team leader, bro._

"Ren," he actually said instead, putting on the best Big Brother slash confidant act as best he could. "Is there anything you'd like to talk to me about?"

/

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/

Author Notes:

I don't think that was too dark, do you? More 'optimistic realism': things aren't without problems, but the problems aren't insurmountable. To think, this is about as dark as the story goes.

This is the example of a heroine chapter, where while broad trends may hold true (Raising babies is stressful, who knew? And Ren is a godfather. And Team JNPR passes without Jaune.), the specifics are unique to the heroine of the route. Every route may or may not have a scene vaguely this, but only Pyrrha has this scene in particular. Contrast that to last chapter, a more flexible scene shared across all the routes.

Next chapter is a personal favorite. Probably the most light-hearted thing I've written in... years? Years.


	3. Third Stanza: Ruby

Dedication: This is for all those awesome fathers out there, especially the stay at home homies. You guys who do a good job raising kids? You rock.

Disclaimer: I (probably for the best) don't own RWBY. I also don't own the song 'Househusband Macho.'

Summary: Jaune left Beacon for a SAHD life. It's not a step down by any means: Jaune Arc may have failed to graduate as a Hunter, but he totally passes as a Stay At Home Dad. Behold the life of the even more impressive Papa Arc, who does what many a badass never dares do: manage a household. A series of shorts, each between Jaune and the lady of RWBY/JNPR that is the mother of his children. (Parallel AUs, not harem.) (Updated daily)

* * *

/

 **A Househusband Macho Or Something**

/

* * *

 **III**

Yeah, he's up in the morning when the rooster crows/

Fryin' eggs, and layin' out clothes/

To his working wife he says, Give 'em hell, honey!"/

Then he hands his kids their hot lunch money!

/

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/

Give it more than a few years, and morning habits become a ritual, a solemn ceremony consisting of a series of actions performed according to a prescribed order.

Jaune wakes first- after so much time at the babies' beck and call, after the years of Beacon, early mornings no longer seem so early. He takes a quick shower, to rinse off the night sweat and loosen up his stiff knee and brace himself for the day. He dresses in something loose and comfortable. When he gets to the kitchen he starts by putting last night's cookie-dough on the pan and into the over so that there will be fresh cookies for the day by the time they leave for school. The kids love that, just like the love the warm feeling of clothes coming straight out of the drier, which can only happen if he starts the wash next.

Then, as the ritual demands, he starts breakfast enough for five. There's only four of them, but the extra portion will be divvied up to make the portions that actually satisfy the kids. Milk and juice is poured right before the rest is finished, and he has the table staged and set just before the drier finishes. Even if the kids don't appreciate being woken up and told that breakfast will be cooler the longer it takes them to get there, they do appreciate tossing on warm clothes as they groggily make their way there before the food gets any cooler than perfectly warm.

And then, every time he goes back to his bedroom, he has to remind himself that he has only has two children and really does have a wife.

Ruby is not an early riser. That's not to say she's a night-owl, not like her sister, but if she doesn't have to be awake, or if she doesn't feel like it, she likes to sleep in. And when she does, it's Jaune's duty as a husband to wake her.

Sometimes it's fun. Sometimes he's playful about it, and sometimes she's secretly awake already and feeling playful as well. The kids know how to feed themselves if you put food on the plates and leave them on the table, which he's already done, and are too groggy to think about looking for their parents on the mornings that the two are no-shows. Regardless, he's long since learned to lock the door before waking his wife. Just in case.

But on the days Ruby isn't playful, waking her really is like waking a child, their children. She yawns mightily. She rubs sleep out of her eyes. She brushes her teeth and gargles her mouthwash and cleans her face without really waking up. She holds his hand, stumbling and disoriented, not even blushing or embarrassed at how she looks as he leads her downstairs to the prepared breakfast, where she finally wakes up to shovel food in her mouth, only remembering to thank him when he pointedly prompts the children to give their own thanks for his domestic skills. She'll pause, cheeks full like a chipmunk, before blushing and looking slightly ashamed and complimenting his awesome pancake cooking skills.

It's cute. He loves it even. But it is kind of childish for a twenty-something year old women to do, especially when she approaches preparing for work to slay monsters and do brave deeds in the same way his children prepare themselves for kindergarten. (Or do they prepare themselves based off their mother? That's a worrying thought- he's hoping and praying they grow out of it.) He has their bags and coats and shoes all lined up in a row on the counter. He has an umbrella staged depending on whether or not the forecast said it was going to rain. He has her lunch made and placed beside Crescent Rose, even as he counts coins to make sure his children have exact change for lunch to go along with the home-made cookies he packs in plastic baggies for their desert.

Then, last thing before they all leave for the day, they line up, tallest to shortest for the final hugs and kisses and safety checks for the day. One day he bets that order is going to change, but that's not today as he checks that their coats are buttoned and gives Ruby's cloak a reassuring tug to test for tightness. It's not necessary, but it's part of the ritual, as it what happens next.

"Give 'em hell, honey," he says with a peck to Ruby before she activates her semblance and runs out the door to go save the day, cape fluttering dramatically in a self-made breeze. It still amazes him that you can earn a paycheck doing that. The twins see super-mom off with cheers, before he checks their coats again and make sure they have their lunch money and not just cookies in their pockets. Finally he sees them off to the bus stop to go off to school, but not before slyly sliding them a couple extra cookies to share with Ren's kids as well. He's the real reason they're all besties, and Ren knows it.

Then he walks back home, thinking about what he'll do today, before he checks the counter and sighs, again, before picking up the phone and dialing a number he knows by heart. This part doesn't happen every day, but it happens enough that it's not surprising.

The other end answers on the second ring, just as familiar with this ritual as he is.

"Weiss, it's Jaune," he greets. "Could you let Ruby know she forgot her lunch again, and that I'll swing by later to drop it off?"

/

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/

Author Notes:

When I'm not trying to solve droughts by evoking tears of angst to water the lands (what do you mean salt water doesn't work?), I try to keep dentists gainfully employed by dealing with the sheer sweetness of this fluff.

So thoughts on Ruby. All things considered, Ruby-Jaune is actually my favorite RWBY ship, in the 'sweet friendship that gradually becomes something more' sort of way. I've no clue why it's called 'Lancaster', but I wish FFN had more of it. Heck, I enjoy pure friendship fics between the team leaders almost as much. Unlike some of the other Jaune pairings that require a deft writing hand to be plausible and credible rather than utter fantasies, 'blurring the lines of friendship' is an easier angle for most. At the very least, Ruby and Jaune have a healthy and amicable friendship to build off of, and without the worrying dependency/single-character-focus that concerns me about Pyrrha.

In this context, though, it's long past. But I figured Ruby would be the most appropriate to still be adorkable, even as a full-fledged huntress. Maybe not so awkward, maybe not so innocent, but still recognizably Ruby, youthful and a bit careless at heart.


	4. Fourth Stanza: Nora

Dedication: This is for all those awesome fathers out there, especially the stay at home homies. You guys who do a good job raising kids? You rock.

Disclaimer: I (probably for the best) don't own RWBY. I also don't own the song 'Househusband Macho.'

Summary: Jaune left Beacon for a SAHD life. It's not a step down by any means: Jaune Arc may have failed to graduate as a Hunter, but he totally passes as a Stay At Home Dad. Behold the life of the even more impressive Papa Arc, who does what many a badass never dares do: manage a household. A series of shorts, each between Jaune and the lady of RWBY/JNPR that is the mother of his children. (Parallel AUs, not harem.) (Updated daily)

* * *

/

 **A Househusband Macho Or Something**

/

* * *

 **IV**

He gets everybody on out the door/

Then he tackles a mountain of domestic chores/

Cleans the whole house, and when he's through/

He still has time to watch "Oprah" too!

/

* * *

/

The only problem with having Ren as best guy friend and informal marriage counselor is that Ren can't always keep a secret. Jaune doesn't blame him- it's not even entirely his fault really- because that's what you get when you happen to marry your confidant's childhood friend. If Nora couldn't read Ren's silences like an open book, they never would have been together (but not together together) when they got to Beacon.

Jaune doesn't mind. Heck, if it weren't for Ren there's probably no way Jaune and Nora would ever have gotten together in the first place.

(How they got together even with, especially with, Ren around is _still_ a whirlwind of circumstances and happenings that Jaune still hasn't quite figured out. One month they're platonic friends, the next they're hanging out doing things that could just barely be called casual dating if you really tried, and next thing he knows Nora's rosy cheeks seem rosier than they used to and Ren is giving him the 'protective Big Brother' talk. It was _weird_. Good, but totally unexpected.)

But bottom line is that Jaune trusts Ren, and will keep trusting Ren, and keep talking to Ren about Nora even if the topics of conversation probably go into the realm of the uncomfortable for Nora's childhood friend. He doesn't for a second believe that Ren would ever willingly spill a secret shared between men in total confidence, not even to Nora.

Jaune's just saying that it's probably not a coincidence that shortly after he admits to Ren that the house feels too quiet and empty now that the kids are at elementary school, Nora starts talking about great ideas for home improvement.

A man's house is his castle, but Nora is Queen of this castle, and the Queen's orders are absolute. Even if it means that he's making a giant birdhouse. No, seriously- Jaune is remodeling their over-sized attic into something better suited for birds than people, because almost everything that isn't a work bench is hanging or suspended off the ground.. It even has a landing perch outside the window, because opening and closing the ladder each time to get up there is too inconvenient. Hunters and Huntresses prefer to just jump.

The jokes, and the puns, are plentiful, as Yang helpfully demonstrates. The oversized and empty attic with naught but a hammock just shows how Jaune is suffering from _empty nest_ syndrome. He's going _cuckoo_ for company, and a little home improvement is just the thing to keep this lonely _lovebird's_ mind off the quiet while waiting for school to be over so that the kids can _come home to roost._ Heck, it may even improve the property value for if/when they finally sell it, a little something to help their _nest egg_ before they _fly south for the winter_ and retirement. It's kind of surprising how clever _birdbrained_ Nora can be when-

(He punches Yang somewhere around that point, partly to defend Nora's honor but mostly just to make Yang stop. Even though he naturally loses, Yang apologizes in good humor, and she's actually impressed enough that he's stayed in decent form and kept training at home that she volunteers to help with the handiwork a few times when she has free time. He's grateful for the company even if he has to put up with the puns of his fellow _blonde of a feather_.)

It's a silly project, but it really does help get his mind off the quiet once the daily chores are done. The kids think it's awesome too- there's a play area that gets updated across the years, a TV for movies, a little fridge, and he even puts in windows and a skylight eventually. They love that they get to help build it- even if they worryingly try to use Mother's Magnhild to hammer nails and end up setting his progress back weeks with the hole in the wall. Still they sand and soap and paint with the best of them, doing the little things the children can do and proving that many hands make light work and lighter hearts.

But his favorite part is what everyone calls 'the Perch-' the landing pad that once was a reinforced plank of wood for jumping to but now is a full-blown third-story porch with a bay-window that can open inside. They've held dinner and even a BBQ grill out there, and whenever there's a friend and family reunion it's always the most popular spot, especially once he installed the safety net underneath to catch any careless small children. His wife thinks he's a little crazy for all the time and energy he's put into building the thing, and this is Nora we're talking about.

But seriously. _Bay windows._ That was class right there- made him glad he'd taken that shop class in school pre-Beacon.

Years later, when it's all done and even the wood has a nice coat of finish, he an Nora spend a rainy day up there, cuddling in the hammock after watching a movie, just listening to the rain beat against the glass.

"Did it help?" Nora asks out of the blue, no context or clue or anything approaching a lead-up. But Jaune's gotten to know her by now- seen how she was admiring the handiwork, seen her seeing him looking proud of the same.

"Loved it. Thanks," he answers, not missing a beat, and her dimples show as she smiles. They're still cute enough to kiss, and so he does, and because it's a rainy day without much else to do and because the kids are out with their godfather, because they have a perfectly good new hammock that Nora's just itching to break in, they really do make the most of their little _love nest_.

/

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/

Author Note:

I think I just committed some kind of heresy or something. I can hear it right now- 'why Nora? She's never shown romantic interest in Jaune and already has her eyes on Ren.' To which I would remind that the first argument applies to every female in the cast sans Pyrrha. And yet here I am, posting this fic. Just consider it a novelty experience.

I'm actually a tad proud of this one: not because it's shipping-heavy but because it works on a number of different levels. I got to poke fun at the conceit of starting the story after the relationship is already established. Once we got that head-scratcher out of the way, it's simply a smooth-flowing piece. An outside friend to remind us that Team RWBY still exists? Check (Yang). A certain level of sillyness and had an unexpectedly intelligent undertone? Check (the puns) and check (the reason for the home project). A brief touching on one of the challenges of family-raising, without letting angst or doom and gloom dominate? Check. Including the kids into the story, however briefly? Check. Keeping the characters recognizably in shouting distance of canon, utterly non-canonical pairing put aside? Check . Thematic integrity of spreading the focus across the entire RWBY/JNPR cast, and not just skipping one because I'm not crazy about the ship? Check. And did I get an entire chapter dealing with/around Nora without flandardizing her into a sloth/pancake obsessed woman-child? Check please.

I'm hardly a die-hard shipper by any measure, and I don't intend to sell anyone on Nora in particular, but if I ever do another 'Jaune and -x-' romantic short series, I'll be sure to include Nora just for sake of Nora. It was surprisingly fun to try and find a way to write her without the fanon tropes of sloth-pancake insanity.


	5. Chorus: All

Dedication: This is for all those awesome fathers out there, especially the stay at home homies. You guys who do a good job raising kids? You rock.

Disclaimer: I (probably for the best) don't own RWBY. I also don't own the song 'Househusband Macho.'

Summary: Jaune left Beacon for a SAHD life. It's not a step down by any means: Jaune Arc may have failed to graduate as a Hunter, but he totally passes as a Stay At Home Dad. Behold the life of the even more impressive Papa Arc, who does what many a badass never dares do: manage a household. A series of shorts, each between Jaune and the lady of RWBY/JNPR that is the mother of his children. (Parallel AUs, not harem.) (Updated daily)

* * *

/

 **A Househusband Macho Or Something**

/

* * *

 **CHORUS**

They call him, Househusband Macho!/

(Ya better not give him any lip!)/

Househusband Macho!/

(He kin fight with a baby on each hip!)/

Househusband Macho!/

(He has "Ivory Liquid" hands)/

He's a mean 'n' lean, baby weanin'/

Bed Straightenin', meal makin'/

Car poolin' "Tupperware" sellin' man!

/

* * *

/

Emergency lights and paramilitary vehicles and police tape don't stop her- nothing does, and no one dares, when she finally arrives. She will damn well go where she wants, see whatever she wants, and talk to whomever she wants in her own damn home. And if she doesn't like what she hears- if there's so much as a crack on what she sees- there will be hell to pay. Grimm will seem merciful in comparison.

Police officers try to shout at her- she ignores them, even as her hand itches for her semblance before they're stopped by wiser mortals who remind them just whose home they're intruding on. Other Hunters and Huntresses get out of her way- she doesn't give them a second thought, except to absently approve of their common sense. But when one of her friends catches her eyes, gestures and points in the right direction, she gives a terse, grateful nod before heading towards the ambulance out back.

The only thing to make her pause, for half a step, is when she spots the captured White Fang hit squad, bound and chained, groaning and moaning and stained with blood that better be their own. She almost stops. Almost changes course. Almost takes out her weapon to take them down like the animals they are, things worse than humans or faunus or even AI robots. Their guards couldn't stop her- their guards, fellow friends and Huntresses and also past victims of the White Fang, they _wouldn't_ stop her. It'd be called self-defense- everyone would swear they attacked first. That they attacked her. That they had attacked _hers_.

She almost changes course, almost puts a black mark on a sterling reputation as a Hero and Huntress and upholder of justice, but doesn't. There's more important things, more important people, then petty and vile fanatics who tried for revenge by attacking the household because they weren't up to attacking one of their greatest enemies directly.

Besides, if there's so much as one bruise, just the hint of blood, she can come back and-

( _spear_ them to a tree)

( _reap_ their wicked heads)

( _crush_ their twisted knees)

(rip out and _burn_ their black little hearts)

( _freeze_ them to their vile bones)

( _claw_ their evil little eyes out)

-for even _thinking_ about harming her family.

So she makes her way past the subdued White Fang assassins, makes her way to the paramedics clustered around one emergency blanket in particular, and makes ready to turn around and return if she has any reason to.

Jaune, wearing the emergency blanket like a cloak and holding a baby under each arm on each hip, stands and turns and gives a stupid smile as she approaches.

"Hey babe," he greets with a carefree smile, as if there's no reason she should be halfway out of her mind with fear. "How you doing?"

She reaches out to grab his face so fast that it turns into a slap. There's the impact of flesh on aura, a bit of surprise and pain, but confusion turns to understanding as his face looks at hers. Her hand reaches out more slowly the second time, touching his face as if afraid it will give way like a ghost.

"You're alive," she says, tears threatening but wonderment and amazement in her voice. "You're fine," she says in the same tone, almost a question, as she looks down from his face to the precious sleeping things on his hips. Their children. Her children. And her husband.

They're all too precious to her to let go. So she hugs them all at once, and doesn't.

Jaune gives her a soft look of compassion, before bucking his hips slightly to get a better grip on the kids. "Yeah. We're fine. They didn't tell you?" he asked, a bit surprised even as he rests his chin on the top of her head.

"They just said you were alive," she remembers. "They wouldn't say you weren't hurt."

'Alive' could mean so many things after all, could be the reassuring condolence that it wasn't as bad it could have been. It could be worse- they could not be on a respirator in an ICU, they could not be confined to a wheel chair for the rest of their lives, they could be missing more than an arm and a leg, they could be worse than a constant reminder that she hadn't been around to protect them when they'd needed her most. They could be dead instead, as if the fact that things could be worse would make them any better instead.

"Well, the kids are fine," Jaune says, and her heart skips a beat as she tenses against him and waits for the 'but.' But he gives none. "And so am I," Jaune finishes, simply keeping his priorities straight before regaling her with his harrowing home break-in adventure.

"They weren't particularly bright- amateurs, really. Came bursting in the front door right as I was preparing dinner. Had the kids with me the whole time and a whole bunch of sharp knives just in reach. They probably weren't expecting much from a Beacon dropout, but I showed them. Didn't even need Crocea Mors until I needed a cradle for the diaper changing afterwards," he boasted, before pausing and she can _feel_ the little bit of silly shame and apology coming through him.

"Er, we need some new cutting boards though," he says. "Didn't make as good shields as I'd hoped."

She laughs, small but real. "I think we can afford some new cutting boards," she says, face still in his chest as she hugs them all a little tighter. She'll get him an entire new kitchen if he wants, which he does.

"And some new knives- I don't want to reuse those ones after what they've cut, that'd be weird and probably bad for the kids. And some new pots- the old ones won't hold water anymore thanks to the bullet holes. My favorite frying pan is no-good, it's got someone's face stuck on it, which kind of surprised me since it's supposed to be a non-stick pan. And we're going to need to need a new stove, either there was either a gas leak during the fight or they tried to set us up a bomb, I'm not sure which but my ears are still ringing a bit. Don't worry, I'm more hungry than hurt, really. You know what? Why don't we order take-out tonight- or delivery! Think we could have our friends pick something up for us?"

He goes on and on, and she calms just listening to his voice babble on about unimportant things now that the important things are safe. She won't murder the White Fang hit team- won't even mutilate them. By the sounds of it Jaune did a number on them himself, and to add insult to injury he did it with nothing but kitchenware while carrying the babies the entire time, and coming off with nothing worse than some ripped clothes. (And aura-closed scars he won't let her find untill later, after the White Fang prisoners are safely out of her reach.) Killing them would put them out of their misery, considering how humiliating their failure will be when they face the hard-timers in prison.

Not bad for a stay-at-home Dropout Dad who never finished school or earned a degree.

"Jaune?" she says eventually, interrupting the rambling her own thoughts had tuned out.

"Yes Dear?" he says, immediately changing topic and completely attentive.

"Do you remember when you said you'd stay at home and give up your dream of being a hero so that I could be a Huntress?"

He… doesn't. "I remember saying I wasn't really giving up my dream at all," he corrected. Giving innocents a chance to live, and all that. There's no rule that those innocents can't be your own children.

"You were right. Thanks," she whispered into his chest.

Thanks for giving her children the chance to live that she might not have if it were just up to her. Thanks for letting her live _her_ life, a life that enabled her to do so much good for so many people, but which she would not have had the chance to if she were stuck at home. Thanks for protecting her babies, just as well as any Huntress ever could have. Thanks for saving her family, himself included, when she wasn't there to do it herself.

Again- not bad for the guy who lied his way into Beacon and dropped out before earning the degree that would have made him a Real Official Hero.

"You're welcome," Jaune, a real if unofficial hero, said. "Now, what would you like for dinner? Those bastards messed up my plans. I still got baby formula for the kids but I'm starving, and for some reason I'm thinking pancakes. There's gotta be some place still open that does breakfast this late."

She laughs, and loves that he's helping her laugh despite (or maybe because) what almost happened, and loves him with an intensity she hasn't felt since the last time he'd nearly been killed, the night he'd just been hurt and she'd entered his infirmary room alone and started this path together. There's no love making this time, though- no dragging him off for passionate relief sex, no new babies along the way.

Instead they decide on the International Kingdom of Pancakes, IKOP, and ask Ren to go pick it up so that they can all eat dinner on the curb of the sidewalk outside their own house because the inside is a crime scene and the officials still have questions for Jaune and the medics want to keep an eye on him a little longer just in case. She can be patient for tonight. Even if Jaune could make a better breakfast, it still tastes so good because it's eaten with their family and friends and their children who are safe and sound with not a hair out of place. That's enough for now.

She does give him a hero's reward later, though. A brand new kitchen, and plenty of chances to break it in.

/

* * *

/

Author Notes:

The second Ambiguous chapter. All routes started with Jaune dropping out of Beacon to raise the kids, and all routes come through this point: a White Fang revenge attack on the home front of the heroines who kept foiling them. Trying to go for the weakest link, which would be... Jaune and the babies.

In chapter one, there wasn't a real chance to do any sort of differentiation piece like I did here with the (heroine-specific sort of violence). Hopefully this help the reader plug-and-play their preferred heroine into the scenes: in my view, it works with pretty much any and all of them, but that's because I'm a sucker for this sort of reunion. There are times when everyone acts different, but then there are times when people react along the same lines simply because, well, they're people.


	6. Fifth Stanza: Yang

Dedication: This is for all those awesome fathers out there, especially the stay at home homies. You guys who do a good job raising kids? You rock.

Disclaimer: I (probably for the best) don't own RWBY. I also don't own the song 'Househusband Macho.'

Summary: Jaune left Beacon for a SAHD life. It's not a step down by any means: Jaune Arc may have failed to graduate as a Hunter, but he totally passes as a Stay At Home Dad. Behold the life of the even more impressive Papa Arc, who does what many a badass never dares do: manage a household. A series of shorts, each between Jaune and the lady of RWBY/JNPR that is the mother of his children. (Parallel AUs, not harem.) (Updated daily)

* * *

/

 **A Househusband Macho Or Something**

/

* * *

 **V**

Now when his wife gets home, and falls in her chair/

He has her martini waiting there/

She winks her eye, and pats his thigh/

He'll be ready if she needs him later tonight!/

/

* * *

/

It's almost scary to see Yang go from beautiful, energetic party girl who's just as happy staying up all night at a club causing trouble before coming in with bruises or a black eye (which aura will fade within a few hours) and a splitting headache (which aura will not) as being a Huntress, to becoming… an admittedly even more lovely Huntress who's still more than willing to stay up all day and night with a grin on her face as she beats bad guys in disreputable clubs before coming back early in the morning with bruises.

It's not her habits that have changed, though Yang has stopped drinking when she's out. (It started when she was pregnant, and then helped save money when they were starting out, and now she doesn't want to set a bad example about drunk driving for the kids.) What frightens him is that she's _tired_ when she comes back. That while she's willing to do it if she needs to, she doesn't _want_ to come back late and after the kids have been put away to bed and miss any more of their childhood than she has to. And the first time he realized she was using makeup to hide bruises that weren't fading as fast as they once did- it terrified him. He'd wanted to throw himself back into Hunter training, to be out there with her, until she laughed and swatted him and told him that she'd been using makeup for that since before Beacon.

It was still almost (not almost) scary. It did make him feel like an old worry-wart for the first time, long enough that he worried he was going into a mid-life crisis. But Ren gives him good advice, as he always does, and Jaune changes his habits rather than expecting Yang to change hers.

He starts by waking up later.

His kids like it, actually. By this age the kids actually prefer to make their own breakfasts and buy their own lunches, their first spurts of rebellious independence that's only sure to grow worse, and so there's even a bit of relief on their part when he breaks the news. After so many years of being at their beck and call in the wee-hours of the morning, Dad no longer makes breakfast for them unless it's a special occasion. Dinner's still on him, and their view is that if he has all day to make it then it better be good and not some store-bought crap, but if they're halfway to being adults then by god he doesn't need to make their meals half of the time they're at home. After their initial bout of concern, and some good-natured teasing about his age and back and stiff knee, Papa Jaune the occasional pizza-maker gets to sleep in with Ma Yang if he wants to, when he wants to, which is often.

(To this day, he still can't believe she got their children to call her that. When they finally enter puberty- when they finally _get it_ and go bright red as if sunburned and can barely look in her direction for a week without flushing again, it's a _pun_ -ch line over a decade in the making.)

The change in hours has some advantages. He never has to worry about morning rush hour traffic again, for one. And if the kids' newfound independence before school makes them feel like Big Kids or young adults now, wait until they realize what later hours mean for their future attempts to break curfew a few years down the road. The day his daughter bats her eyes and asks if he'd make her breakfast again, for old times' sake, is the day Yang greets her daughter's new boyfriend before the secret date with a menacing cock of Ember Cecelia and a harrowing interrogation. Their daughter is mortified, but her chastity is safe, at least until she's brave enough to try sneaking curfew again. Jaune and Yang laugh and hold it over her head for the rest of her life.

His wife loves his new sleeping habits as well, for entirely unchaste reasons. It's been _years_ since they woke up together for anything other than vacation, and while different sleep schedules never stopped them from enjoying each other's company before, having fun after the kids go to school is totally different if it's gradual and lazy and mutually groggy. He's long been Yang's favorite alarm clock to pat upon the head when he wakes her up in her favorite way, but now she gets to get him up in ways she hasn't since they were in Beacon. It's almost like they're back in school again, playing games whenever and fooling around wherever no one else would catch them (and sometimes even where they could, because that was the game), except now they aren't playing hooky when they spend all school-day enjoying each other and his wife is even more beautiful than she was back then. He feels like a teenager all over again, smitten and all, and she laughs radiantly when he shares that and ensures he feels like a man all over again.

There are some side benefits to changing his sleep schedule, benefits he enjoys very much. But that's not why he really does it.

Jaune does it because he needs to.

He never realized how much he worried about her when he went to bed without her until he started stayed up long enough that he didn't have to. You'd think waiting alone at night would be worse. That guessing how many bruises she'd have where tonight while she fought the good fight, you never around, would be dispiriting. That listening to the evening news and hearing breaking reports of motorcycle crashes and hanging onto the first-responder reports of shootouts on school nights would be nerve wracking. That counting the minutes on the clock until midnight, and then counting each second afterwards cursing the clock for being fast even though you knew you just reset it yesterday, you'd think that'd be unpleasant. You'd think it be easier to just go to sleep and let the next day comes, especially the nights that go longer than expected, the nights that go into the wee hours of the morning and your mind can't help but wonder 'is this the night I'll get a call asking me to identify the body?' You'd think that was all unpleasant- and you'd be right.

You'd think that would be worse- until you remember the restless nights where you got no sleep at all, and how the bad sleep you did get only got better when she stumbles through the door and slips into bed (and even then only if she didn't let out a pained groan or tiny whimper when she tries not to wake you up). Until you remember waking up to fresh bruises and healing scars that you don't remember, and have a panic attack that if this is what she looks like in the morning after how much worse was it when she came in? Until you remember the nightmare of waking up the children and, trying and failing not to break down crying, telling them that they were going to be staying with Aunt Ruby for awhile because he- he didn't think he'd be able- able to look after them right now because Ma Yang hadn't- hadn't come back last night and never would agai-

(That night Yang came home at ten the next day to find the kids not at school but silent and scared inside the house because they'd woken up to the sound of Papa Jaune sobbing. Panicked and pacing because he wouldn't respond and couldn't even look at them without breaking down again, they'd had to call Godmother Pyrrha in at four in the morning because they couldn't reach her or Aunt Ruby or Uncle Ren. The day she listens through her own bedroom door to hear Jaune crying with Pyrhha in _her_ bed as her husband's former partner tries to reassure Jaune that just because no one has heard or seen Yang in days, that just because her emergency scroll is offline and untraceable and has been since before the big undercover sting operation ended in a building fire that's still being sorted through, that just because she's half a day overdue past her check-in is no reason to worry-

The morning that Jaune looks at her when she walks in not was radiant relief, but paling as if he's seeing a ghost, is the day a lot of things change. Ren comes by that evening, restarting brotherly talks that had faded and grown infrequent years ago. He comes by for dinner more often than he used to, sometimes to talk and sometimes to keep the silence companionable rather than lonely. Yang stops taking the multi-day undercover jobs, and thrashes the rookie handler who didn't pass on that she was going to crash at a hotel before coming back home. From then on Yang always returns home to sleep in her own bed, even if she has to take a taxi.)

You'd think those small changes would have been enough, until you remember the reoccurring nightmares that followed that day, of an empty house and a broken widower who couldn't even care for his own children after losing their mother. Until you remember how she would always wake you from the nightmare and hold you close and tell you she was here, that you weren't that man and never would be, that she wouldn't disappear on him and her two children as her own mothers had twice on her, and never _ever_ going to sleep herself until you finally believed her and fell asleep to better dreams... until the next night, when the cycle would start again.

You'd think it'd be worse. But for Jaune, it's easier to stay up wondering than to go asleep not knowing.

When he starts his change of habit and greets her with tired bags under his eyes, Yang is touched but says he doesn't need to do that for her. She's wrong. He does, for his health and peace of mind if not hers. The Doctors don't quite get why sleeping in but staying up late has lowered his blood pressure and lost that extra weight, but Ren does. Even Nora notices as the bags under his eyes slowly go away, the stress lines smooth, and she tells him his laughs seem less nervous and more believable than it has in awhile. Blake lets him know that Yang's doing better too, smiling happier and less distracted on the job, and that means she's thinking things through a bit more and powering through fewer hits. He wasn't the only one worried, even if he was the one who should have been safe, and whatever helps him help her help them all. That one gray hair he found on her doesn't get a companion for a long time after he changes his hours, and though she never tells him the same is true for the strand she plucked from his head one night while he was asleep.

So he keeps his new habit up and does what he can to support her, and helping her in small ways helps him in a big one which might be the support she appreciates the most. Not that the rest is anything to sneeze at.

He has a medical kit on standby- nothing serious, but enough to dress the minor wounds that she wouldn't want to be delayed by a real doctor for. He keeps a second martini on hand if she wants one before going to bed- the first one is for him, something to take an edge off the nerves while waiting, a coping device that alarmed her at first until Ren explained. Jaune lets the news run in the background as well- staying informed is nice, but on the nights there is no breaking news and it's just the depressing bad news of the world in general, he's reasonably sure she's alright.

And when she does return, after she walks through that door, as soon as he's given her a customary kiss and careful embrace and looks her over and drinks in how lovely she looks bruises and all so long as she's alive, he lets her know what he's prepared tonight. He has leftovers ready to heat up if she's hungry, so that they can eat dinner together (to candle light, no less, if there's a power outage or if he's just feeling sappy). Their private bath, almost a hot-tub really, is warm and on standby to loosen tight muscles, her favorite shampoo ready to take care of her hair, if she just wants to relax and get the sweat off. And if she's thrown a punch too many or taken a bad hit or rolled something in a way it shouldn't be rolled, he's been practicing his massage skills. Dinner, a bath, or him- she can have whatever she'd like, in whatever order she desires.

Jaune copes with the adult fear of losing his wife by pampering her when she returns. The worst nights are the ones where he's up until dawn, simply to see that she's alive, the mornings when she's so worn out that she barely gives him a peck before limping straight to bed. When she desires nothing except sleep, and when the most he can do for her is to open doors and help her gently fall into bed and pull the sheets up over her. It's a small thing to lift, but it takes a big weight off his heart when he follows her.

The best nights, though, are the one where she's more than alright- it's the nights when she comes back still flushed and breathing hard and practically glowing in radiant victory, as glad to see him as he is to see her. The nights when her order of desires for celebration is to take him for dinner in the bath, and then vice versa. Those nights are the best nights of sleep he ever has, and the next morning he makes a point of showing his appreciation for her all over again in all her favorite ways.

/

* * *

/

Author Note:

It's alright, kiddies. The angst-fairy has come and gone. It never gets this dark again. (And besides, it's not mere 'angst'- it's adult fears.)

Yang was an interesting one to write for. Considering her role in the series, she was unquestionably the most sexualized of the main cast, which had to be incorporated, but she's also the one I associate the most with 'adult fears.' Yang's kind of the Team Mom as it is, and considering her backstory and night-life reputation I knew she needed to be the most 'adult' of the story. That's not just a healthy sex life, though- that's also the implications and consequences of the homefront for those left behind when someone works long and dangerous nights. Yang may have fun rolling with the punches and taking her hits, but that's cold comfort for those left behind- and that adult fear has a special relevance considering her own backstory. She's probably just as afraid of Jaune turning into her father if she dies as Jaune is of her not coming home.

It's kind of like dating/marrying a superhero. Not that I have any experience in that personally, but it'd be hard to be both proud and terrified each night they go out.


	7. Sixth Stanza: Weiss

Dedication: This is for all those awesome fathers out there, especially the stay at home homies. You guys who do a good job raising kids? You rock.

Disclaimer: I (probably for the best) don't own RWBY. I also don't own the song 'Househusband Macho.'

Summary: Jaune left Beacon for a SAHD life. It's not a step down by any means: Jaune Arc may have failed to graduate as a Hunter, but he totally passes as a Stay At Home Dad. Behold the life of the even more impressive Papa Arc, who does what many a badass never dares do: manage a household. A series of shorts, each between Jaune and the lady of RWBY/JNPR that is the mother of his children. (Parallel AUs, not harem.) (Updated daily)

* * *

/

 **A Househusband Macho Or Something**

/

* * *

 **VI**

Well, he kin mop a floor, and stand straight 'n' tall/

Wipe a fingerprint offn' a wall/

He lives his life right on the edge/

And he shoots from the hip with "Lemon Pledge"!

/

* * *

/

"Father, why do you clean stuff if we have servants?"

It's a reasonable question from his occasionally unreasonable little boy, considering that he's spent the last few hours cleaning their personal quarters. It's just not a question he could easily answer. He gives the appropriate automatic response, the one his wife drilled into him, as he tries to decide how to explain.

"First off, they're maids and butlers, not servants," he corrected with a wag of his finger. "Your mother employs people, not animals or property. Secondly… I promised your Mother," he said, figuring Occam's Razor would be best for the child.

Or maybe not, going by the clueless look given. "Promise," the child repeated slowly with an adorable lisp, testing it. "What's that?"

"It means you do what you say you're going to do," Jaune explained, even as he uses the all-purpose cleaner in his hands on the couch before him in an attempt to fulfill one of his own. Out out, damn spot, out…

"Is that what Mother does when she tells you what to do?"

Jaune pauses, wondering if the Mother-Father dynamic really was that obvious that even a five-year-old could pick up on it. But no, he's wrong- "That's an order," he corrects. "That's one way- you telling someone else what to do. A promise is between two people, though only one person has to actually do something."

His little boy muses, before a lightbulb goes off. "Like a contract!" he realizes.

Jaune gives his son a disgusted look, ashamed that he can even say such a complicated word at that age, let alone understand the concept. "Alright, you're spending too much time with your Mother," he deems, even though that shouldn't be possible. Mother, after all, is an active Huntress and the CEO of an international and no-longer-amoral MegaCorp, and she spends a great deal of her time providing the direction and personally investigating as oversight to keep it that way. The kids should be taking after the one who they spend more time with, right?

(In the back of his mind, he can almost hear Weiss laughing- something about them taking after the superior bloodline. In his head, which is the only place he dares, he tells his beloved little Snow Angel to be quiet. She'd wanted a little Arc in her, hadn't she?)

"But yes, like a contract," he concedes, and ignores Weiss's absent smug expression. "Your Mother made me promise her something before she had you. A couple things, actually."

"Before she had me?" he son asked, mystified and unable to think of such a time. "What would she have done if you hadn't promised?"

"Not had you until I did, probably," Jaune said, remembering how determined Weiss had been during the labor. She'd probably have managed it too- more because of how strong her grip on his hand had been when she demanded than because she had super-super-human abilities to hold back the forces of nature, but he wouldn't put the latter past her. Weiss was stubborn enough to pull it off, probably. He wouldn't bet against her at least.

His son, who _really_ shouldn't know how this sort of stuff works yet, none the less looks suitably impressed and wowed… for about five seconds. "So what did you promise?" he wanted to know.

"Two things," June said. "The first was that I'd never let the money go to my head and become a loaf, expecting her or anyone else to pick after me. I'd have to clean up after myself, or face her wrath." Her words, not his- no, really, she's literally ended it with 'or face my wrath.'

"And that's why you clean?" his son asked, watching as Jaune put even more elbow grease into the very resistant stain on the sofa.

Jaune hummed his answer, while expertly keeping his son distracted from the question he didn't want asked.

"What was the second thing?" he son asked, which was a safer question.

Jaune looked at him and gave him a grin, which the little boy returned on sheer instinct. It was kinda cute, especially how a wide Arc smile broke with the prim decorum of the Schnee look. "I had to raise you not to be a slob either. Well, technically your Mother's exact words were 'Don't expect me to clean up after them, that's your job,' but I think the intent was clear." And his job would be easier if they cleaned up after themselves.

His son raised his hand to cover his mouth, and let out his mother's wicked laugh. Eyes mirthful, the too-clever child asked his father, "Doesn't that mean I can make however big a mess I wish, and you be forced to clean it up?"

The smug arrogance lasted until the end of the sentence, at which point Jaune used the spray bottle to soak his son's pants where the hand had just been.

"Is that a booger smear I see?" Jaune asked, spraying again even as a hand dropped to protect the spot, and then spraying the other potential booger-picker covering the mouth as well. Some of the spray no doubt got into the mouth, which was no issue as far as Jaune was concerned because that Schnee mouth would likely be saying dirty, hurtful things if only it knew how.

Instead his son sputtered and flushed and spat out cleaning fluid and screamed of baseless accusations, denying he'd ever do anything so shameful… until, with typical Arc grace, in an attempt to wipe his mouth of the fluid, he accidentally(?) slid a finger into his nose and came out with a great big fat green one.

His son looked at the treacherous finger in horror, looked at his father, and opened his mouth even as his hand instinctively went down to the same spot on his legs. "Father, I didn't mean to-"

Jaune sprayed again, not even needing to move the bottle from the hip.

"We had a promise between men," Jaune claimed after another spray or three for good measure, before putting down the bottle and slowly rising on his stiff knee in order to move menacingly towards his son. "A contract even- and you know what the punishment for Schnees who break contract with me is, don't you?"

His son went as white as his mother would have, tried to back away and flee as his mother would have, and then responded just as his mother would to the merciless tickling that followed: by screaming and cursing and threatening future retribution as brutish Jaune Arc had his way with a Schnee and made them laugh until they cried. And then, when it was over and as they were catching their breaths, despite the accusations and the previous harsh words and ominous promises, his son looked at him and smiled like his mother too.

Jaune's heart melted, just as it did every time the Mother made it. Dust, he loved that smile. He embraced his son, who, like his mother, initially stiffened to such affection but ultimately forgave and gradually returned it just as sincerely.

When they'd calmed down, when all was forgiven and peace was made, the questions returned.

"What did you get out of making that contract with Mother, Father?" his son asked. "What made it worth it?"

"Well, she gave me you and your sister," Jaune started. "You know- the apples of my eyes, the pride of my life, my one and only son and daughter. That's was pretty important. And…" he trailed.

"And?"

"She forgave me for having you," Jaune said, smiling at the memory.

"Forgave? Did she not want us?" His son was not smiling at all.

Jaune brutally, quickly, stomped that question with the thoroughness of a Schnee legal reaction team, which was only technically less destructive than a Schnee corporate SWAT team.

"Don't be a dunce. She wanted you, and never doubt it. She just forgave me for what I put her through to get you, that's all," he reassured, even as he remembered the pain and yells and bedside demands of the night he became a father.

It's a painful memory, or at least his hand remembered the pain, but a happy one elsewhere- it was a promise that had bound him to her in a way she'd never been comfortable in articulating before that night. She hadn't been willing to take his name and give up her own, and neither was he in reverse, and that familial pride had been a point of contention until she circumvented it by casting it in different terms. _If_ I have your child you _will_ live with me but _not_ just for my money or maids…

His son seemed to accept that, but he and Weiss would keep an eye on his children until he was sure they believed it, and so they moved on.

"What does Mother do when you break your contract, Father?" his boy asked. "If you don't clean up well enough?"

"She makes me sleep on the couch," Jaune answered. "Anything too dirty for a Schnee doesn't get to sleep in the Schnee bedroom." The Schnee bed felt very nice thanks its very fine sheets, sheets that were very, _very_ expensive and almost impossible to clean.

Not to knock the couch though- it was very comfortable too. Weiss had made sure that he'd have a sleeping sofa that didn't just accommodate his bad knee, but would make all her friends jealous with envy. And when Ren or Sun or Neptune visited, they practically begged to sleep on the couch. (Well, Sun begged. Ren just volunteered with suspicious haste to spare them the trouble of preparing a guest room. And Neptune checked 'sleep on Weiss's sofa' off his bucketlist of teenage dreams, joking that at least he hadn't had to make her angry for the privilege.) Point is, it was a very comfy couch, better than his old bed at Beacon in every way. The cushions, the pillows, the support, the company…

His son considered it. "And if you do clean up well enough?"

"Depends how happy she is," Jaune said, giving that stubborn spot another spray. "If she's just pleased with my attempts, or if she's actually satisfied."

"If she's just pleased?"

"Then I get to sleep in the bedroom with her," Jaune said simply, scrubbing.

"And if she's satisfied?" his son asked.

Jaune paused in his cleaning attempt, weighing the risks and rewards of honestly with his son, before deciding that selective honesty was the best policy.

"If I satisfy her then she sleeps with me on the couch," he said.

His son blinked. "I… don't understand," he said. "I thought if you weren't dirty, you got to sleep in the bedroom."

"It's simple. Your mother, when she's really happy with me, tends to get a bit dirty herself. You wouldn't know it from how she dresses, but she can be a bit sloppy and make a mess. She knows it, I know it, so we sleep out here so as not to get her bed dirty after I satisfy her."

His son looked doubtful, so Jaune gestured to the couch he'd been trying to clean. "Look at this- you know what this is?"

"A stain?" his son asked, reaching out to touch it. Jaune caught the hand before it could touch it.

"Spilt milk," Jaune said simply.

"Milk?"

"Milk," Jaune affirmed. "Your mother was really happy with me yesterday, so happy that she got sloppy and spilled some milk I gave her while we were watching a movie together last night."

"A movie?" his son asked, excited. "Why didn't you watch it in the theater downstairs with us? What was it about? Did it have ninjas in it?"

Jaune paused. Technically it had had ninjas, but... "It was, er, a movie based on literature that covers mature topics of the world. You wouldn't have understood it."

His boy looked disappointed, but not for too long. Instead he turned his attention back to the couch.

"The stain isn't coming out," he noted, watching his father work harder at it.

"Yup," Jaune said simply.

"That must have been a lot of milk."

"It was," Jaune said with a smirk, smug in a way that only a Schnee or someone who had married into the Schnees could be.

"…Mother's not going to be satisfied tonight, is she?"

"Probably not," Jaune prophesied.

"JAUNE ARC-SCHNEE!"

"Oooh, busted," his son whispers, and Jaune can't help but smile. That's his boy there, Arc dominant- no way a Schnee would say something like that.

Aaaand speaking of Schnee, there she was in the doorway, the love of his life, no longer the loneliest but always the loveliest and most graceful and not at all like someone shoved a foreign object up her ass recently. And my, wasn't that the loveliest shade of red she was wearing today? And all on her face, too, not just the suit! And to think, just yesterday it had been all white and she'd been wearing a pearl necklace he'd-

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE SHOWING MY SON?"

He looks at her, and even if he's not brave enough to tell her to be quiet he's found other ways to stand up to her- or at least not be cowed into submission like most people assumed. Subtle, subversive ways.

"Me cleaning," he says simply, giving the spot another, harder, exaggerated circle of a rub. Stain's still there, though, and no doubt she can see it from there. "And telling our son about the promise I made about cleaning up my messes," he added. Rub rub.

His son, noble hero that he wants to be and will become, wants his Mother to know that Jaune is a clean and simple soul and has the purest of intentions. "He was just trying to please you Mother- he's been at it all day but this spot just won't come out!"

Jaune gives the couch another, deeper rub. "It's true," he says. "We really made a mess here." Rub rub rub.

Weiss barely, in a feat of sheer will and all the maturity she's gained in the years since they met, claws herself down… one notch.

"That's… true," she forces, and for anyone else it'd probably take torture to get that tone from her. She tries to help Jaune with her own, novel approach to house cleaning- trying to burn the offending stain out of existence by glaring at it hard enough with all the heat on her face. "Let's learn from that mistake and not do it again, shall we?"

That is totally not what she said last night, but whereas an Arc might have said that thought aloud Jaune is an Arc-Schnee and so is cultured and civilized enough to when to hold his tongue and when to be a master of the art of passive-aggressive instead. He says nothing, but does give the sofa another long squirt. And a teasing rub. Just to piss her off.

His son, however, hasn't mastered the art of being an Arc and a Schnee simultaneously. He's one or the other, and right now he's pure Arc: a virtuous soul, a selfless and noble heart, always with the best intentions and always saying the best things at the worst times.

"Would you like my old sippy-cup, Mother?" his son, the spirit of generosity, offers. "Maybe then you wouldn't spill Father's milk."

If his Father really did have any milk left right now he'd be snorting it up his nose he chokes so hard. Somehow. He didn't, so he doesn't, but his treacherous lips curl upward the Weiss Schnee Reactor Factor goes from 'near meltdown' to 'post- apocalyptic.'

"JAUNE ARC, YOU ARE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH FOR A YEAR!"

Ooh, she dropped the –Schnee for that one. That means she's pissed, not just aghast. It's more for what she thinks he might have told the boy than what he's actually said so far- if he appeased her and calmly explained exactly what had been said and made her realize that their boy really is still as innocent as she wished him to remain, she'd benevolently pardon him within a week. All he has to do is beg for mercy now, and she'll grant forgiveness later when he explains.

But he can't help it- in for a lien, in for all the dust of Schnee Corp (that he technically has no rights to, even though his name is right up there with hers). He also has to stand up and show his son a man's confidence in the face of a woman. His son looks distraught, confused that his parents are having some sort of fight over something so innocuous, and so Jaune puts a reassuring hand on his son's shoulder and looks his wife in the eye.

"What's the big deal, Weiss?" he asks, all but taunting her. "I'm just trying to keep things clean around here. It wasn't just _my_ mess."

His son, bless his soul, says exactly what he needs to.

"Yeah, Mother, it was just his milk!"

"THAT WASN'T-" Weiss Schnee-Arc begins, but stops herself just in time. Closes her eyes, takes a breath, and when she opens them again she's glaring icebergs.

Oh, she didn't like that one. She really, _really_ did not like that one. Probably because he roped her precious little snowflake into it.

Even as he prepared himself for his imminent and indefinite exile to the Kingdom of the Couch for the foreseeable future, Jaune thought about the subtle, subversive ways he could have good clean fun with his wife. After all, where was the fun in life without the occasional life-threatening danger?

Like, how long could he put off getting rid of that couch, just to make her see that spot every time she walked through the room? How many milk-related puns should he bribe Yang to make over the next week, just to make her squirm? Should he throw out all the dairy products from the family fridge, and then tell his daughter to ask her mother why Daddy's milk was off-limits? And how long should he wait before he subtly suggests to his son that's he back in her good graces, just to watch him ask Weiss at diner if Jaune is still on the couch because she's still displeased, or if he's finally gone back to satisfying her?

(He also still needed to thank Blake for loaning that video. No sense crying over spilt milk, and he'd have to put up with the insufferable Cheshire smirk Blake will no doubt have when she learns Weiss actually went along with it, but a month on the couch would still be worth the fun they'd had together last night and the fun he was going to have with his wife for the next few weeks going forward.)

She'd cool down eventually- his wife had a hair trigger at times, but she was a good person at heart and they'd gone through worse. This wasn't the first time he'd crossed swords with her, and she wouldn't get so upset if she didn't care so much. Things would happen, she'd realize her son remained pure and innocent and unable to understand (let alone make) innuendos, and the righteous fury would fade. Eventually she'd want a friendly ear or a reliable shoulder or he'd carelessly say the right thing at the right time or do a simple virtuous deed, and she'd appreciate it enough to just move past this.

Or maybe she'd just have some built up stress needing relief and miss the old Arc charm after a long stay away, just like last night. Just give it some time.

Besides, by then he'd have some more milk ready for her.

/

* * *

/

Author Note:

Yes, the person who wrote 'Common Criminal' also wrote this. You're welcome. Try not to laugh any milk up your nose.

Weiss was the hardest for me to write for, honestly. I think it's because there are so few (good) fics of JaunexWeiss with anything approaching a happy ending. Considering the Jaune of season 2, it's kind of hard to imagine them ever getting together in the first place, let alone staying. And, of course, Weiss's circumstances are a lot less pedestrian than most of the other girls.

Ultimately I went with the conception of adult!Weiss as someone who still has the strong passions and responses of her youth, fighting against her attempts at self-control. I imagine it's a bit of a roller-coaster, but in a good way: it can be terrifying, but also exciting, and safer and more stable than it feels. Jaune would be less a stabilizing influence than a grounding one: someone Weiss comes home to vent, share excitement, and otherwise release her built up energy. And to help that, Househusband!Jaune, gets the excitement he misses from the Hunter life by trolling her to provoke her responses. Partly for his own amusement, but partly because it helps her release the emotional build-up on a safe target.

Clearly I have entirely selfless and mature reasoning for all the innuendo...


	8. Seventh Stanza: Blake

Dedication: This is for all those awesome fathers out there, especially the stay at home homies. You guys who do a good job raising kids? You rock.

Disclaimer: I (probably for the best) don't own RWBY. I also don't own the song 'Househusband Macho,' which is Mike Nobel's.

Summary: Jaune left Beacon for a SAHD life. It's not a step down by any means: Jaune Arc may have failed to graduate as a Hunter, but he totally passes as a Stay At Home Dad. Behold the life of the even more impressive Papa Arc, who does what many a badass never dares do: manage a household. A series of shorts, each between Jaune and the lady of RWBY/JNPR that is the mother of his children. (Parallel AUs, not harem.) (Updated daily)

* * *

/

 **A Househusband Macho Or Something**

/

* * *

 **VII**

Now tough guys, like John Wayne/

They might look rough in a movie frame/

But their kind would run the other way/

If they had to get a baby toilet trained!

/

* * *

/

"No."

"Please!"

"No."

"Blake, I'm begging you here!"

"Still no."

"Literally, on my knees! Just once!"

"Once more- no."

"It can be our little secret."

A pause… and then the sound of a page turning.

"No."

"Jaune never has to know!"

A golden eye raises above the book, looking at the prostrating monkey faunus before her, and then to his blue-haired companion. "Was he always this desperate?" she asked Neptune. "I don't remember him being this needy when we dated."

He shrugged. "Sun's been like this ever since you two broke when we left after the Vytal Festival," he said. He gave a dramatic sniff and mimed wiping a tear. "I don't think he ever moved on. Could you give a hand to an old flame?"

She considers… and then goes back to her book. "Nope."

"Okay, not cool, both of you," Sun said, getting up from his knees and throwing a glare at Neptune and her. "Dude, it was mutual, you know it, and totally unrelated to here and now," he said before turning on her. "And Blake! Friend! Sister that I-"

"-already dated cough incest cough," Neptune muttered, and Blake hid a smile.

"-am glad I never had because that would be awkward," Sun saved. "Just tell me why? Why won't you help me change a diaper?"

The eyebrow raises back up. "Because I'm on vacation," she says simply.

"You're staying at home!"

"Because my leg is in a cast," she points out quite reasonably, giving a meaningful glance to the protruding leg cast. "I have a hard enough time wiping my own ass- forgive me for not running around to wipe others."

"She's got a point, dude," Neptune snarks.

"We could carry the kid over to her," Sun points back in return.

"And make you break your sworn promise to Jaune, that you'd be look after the household in his absence and that I wouldn't be bothered at all?" Blake asked, straight faced. "I wouldn't dream of it. Doesn't that violate some Oath of Manliness or something?"

Neptune folded his arms and closed his eyes, nodding to make himself seem more mystical and wise. "She's right, you know," he agreed. "The ancient Man Laws are not to be broken lightly. Jaune showed great trust in us by asking us to stay here in his stead while he took his favored son-"

"Only son," both Blake and Sun interjected.

"-to the doctor. As his friends it would be a great disrespect if we could not look after the women of his household, no matter how young or invalid they may be." Blake made a note to get back at him for that- whether or not she was using her injury to get Jaune to pamper her beyond all reason, that deserved payback.

Sun, meanwhile, looked at his best friend with something approaching disgust. "Okay, first off Jaune showed great trust in me because that's who he asked. Me. Second, it wouldn't be bothering her if she was willing. And third, why are you even here? You don't know how to change a diaper either!"

Neptune puffed his chest out and prepared a boast, but Blake deflated him first.

"He's trying to learn before Weiss is due," Blake explained simply, not looking up from her book.

Actually, that was a lie. She secretly did peek just to see Sun's over the top reaction.

"Dude? Dude! You didn't even tell me! But you told her? Congrats and all, but what happened to bros before hoes, man? No offense Blake," Sun added quickly.

"None taken," she said drily. "And Weiss told me."

"Weiss told her?" Sun said, still berating Neptune. "That means Weiss told, like, everyone! Even the paparazzi probably knows! And you didn't tell me? Why the heck not, man? I thought we were bros! What, is a faunus not good enough to be Godfather for a Schnee?"

"We are! You are!" Neptune cried, on the defensive. "I, just…" he mumbled something, and wouldn't be any louder about it no matter how much Sun badgered him.

"He's embarrassed that you might know more about kids than he does," Blake kindly filled in, further puncturing Neptune's bravado. "Since you already have two godchildren after all. He was hoping Jaune would help tech him stuff." Neptune gave her a betrayed look, and she shot him the same smirk she'd given Sun. "Weiss told me that too."

Somewhere in the distance of the house, she heard her daughter giggle and laugh while running around. Pitter-patter. As if hearing her laughter, Sun had a shit-eating grin rise to his face.

"You'd be totally insufferable if I asked you," Neptune said, looking away in embarrassment.

Sun smiled, easily forgiving him, and gave him a friendly clap on the shoulder. "Dude, haven't you realized already? I'm _always_ insufferable."

"And equally inept with children," Blake added.

"Yeah! What she said," Sun nodded, before catching the insult.

Blake laughed like she did with few others. There were people who had wondered, had asked, why she had kept such close contact with her former boyfriend after these years even after she'd married. The simple answer was because he was still a good man, and the simpler answer was because he was still a good friend. That first year of Beacon, from the time they met to the Vytal Festival, those were good memories, even if they had ended with another chapter of her life.

She smiled, really smiled, in a way she'd rarely done before Sun and her friends helped open the door in her heart that Jaune had since walked through. She put down the book and simply enjoyed watching Sun and Neptune bicker and banter and argue about who was going to change the long-dirty diaper of her daughter. They were good friends, they were friends with her, they were even good friends with Jaune, and that's why they trusted Sun enough to trust them with something as precious and important as their children. She and Jaune were happily married, but that didn't mean she couldn't remember and appreciate the good parts of her old flame. Sun was warm and cheerful and reliably optimistic and always willing to help-

Sun suddenly stopped in his rough-housing with Neptune, popping a finger in the air as inspiration struck.

"I know why she won't help!" he realized, beginning to point that finger accusingly at her.

-and annoyingly perceptive behind that goofy personality.

"You don't know how to change a diaper either, do you?" he accused.

She considered whether she should dignify that with a response. She, a woman, former White Fang terrorist, accomplished Huntress, faunus, mother of two, and-

"Of course I know how to have a diaper changed," she replied, and Neptune is already winding up to give Sun grief for such a stupid thought.

"I tell Jaune to do it."

(All those other things she was had absolutely nothing to do with taking care of babies if you don't actually take care of babies while being them.)

She should be a comedian, really. There's got to be a comedy routine out there which her deadpan would be perfect for. All that's missing is the ba-dum tish, but Sun starts cracking up even without it.

"So that's why Jaune said not to ask you for help!" Sun reveals, leaving Blake just the slightest bit displeased. "You can't even take care of your own babies!"

Blake wrinkles her nose. "My babies are cute, clean, and adorable little angles who never have such base needs. They're Jaune's brats when they are dirty, disgusting, hungry, need baths, or otherwise need house-training."

"You don't know any more than we do!" Sun crowed, not letting it go. "No wonder Jaune called for help! He couldn't count on you!"

She'll get him for that, both of them- after she actually learns how to change a diaper herself. Preferably without having to ask Jaune. No reason to be a hypocrite.

"I'm sure it's not too hard," Blake says, trying to regain her appearance of grace and maturity and secret knowledge after that last crack. "Just think it through logically- what's the first step of changing a dirty diaper?" she asked.

"Taking the dirty diaper off," Sun answers instantly, keen Hunter intellect showing. "I'm not _that_ dumb."

"Step two?" she prompts.

"Put a clean one on," Sun supplies confidently. "We tried, but the smell didn't go away. I think your diapers went bad."

"Perhaps you should wipe the baby before that," Blake suggests. Neptune, diligent student that he is, is furiously taking notes.

Sun laughs. "That's funny. That'd be disgusting," he says. She hums her agreement and his smile, and his tail, drops. "No shit?" he asks.

"Shit indeed," Blake replies, voice dry as kitty litter. "No shit is the end state."

Neptune is reviewing his notes. "So we identify the problem, remove the evidence, clean the foundation, and… put the clean one on?" he says, seeking confirmation. "Do you have to wrap it a certain way? I didn't see any baby pins around," he said.

"I… don't know," Blake admitted. She'd been kind of hoping she could get through this whole motherhood thing without changing a diaper, actually- she'd already won the RWBY-PN betting pool about how long she could get away without doing it. And technically even if she learned how, that didn't mean she _had_ to…

"How often do you have to change the things, anyway?" Sun asked, arms behind his head. "How long does a good diaper last? Any longer than a cheap one?"

"Until the baby goes again, I suppose," Neptune speculates. "Quality probably just means how much doodoo the diaper can carry."

"Hope you and Jaune-" Sun paused, giving her a taunting smirk about her lack of domestic skills. "I hope _Jaune_ knows good quality diapers, then, because phew-wee your baby reeks!"

He was right- with her Faunus super-senses and sensitive nose she too could pick up the barest hint of a reek wafting from the other end of the house from where the pitter-patters were coming from. That sense of smell was one of the reasons she'd insisted Jaune be the official diaper-changer.

(Actually, she didn't know if faunus senses of smell were any better than a human's, but that's what she'd told Jaune so that was her story and she'd be sticking to it. Just like all her other biology-related excuses to get out of the less appealing parts of baby care: he shouldn't complain, considering how he'd accepted some of those same excuses to have less-than-mature mature fun together. Really, Jaune- 'in heat'?)

"Think we could wait until Jaune gets back and shows us how to change one?" Sun asks, willing to put off for later what he couldn't do today.

"It's probably for the best," Neptune agrees, putting away his pen and paper. "If we couldn't figure it out, it's probably above our level. Guess we'll have to put up with stinky baby in the meantime."

Something about the way they said that made Blake uneasy. Something that didn't sit right with what had been said before. With her sensitive faunus ears she'd been hearing the pitter-patter of baby feet around the house for awhile now.

"Sun," she begins, "Just how far in the process did you two get before you came to me for help?" she asks.

Sun looks at her oddly. "As far as we could," he says like it's the obvious answer. "All the way to step- oh," he says, dread growing. Pitter-patter, pitter-patter…

"You at least cleaned her before coming up here, didn't you Sun?" Blake asked, in a tone that implied that, broken leg or not, she still had a weapon handy and could still kick his ass if need be.

Sun flashes a charming, totally insincere smile. "Uh, of course, Neptune did that, right old buddy o pal?" he said.

Neptune, putting bros before hoes when the hoes are the firing squad, throws Sun to the beowolves. "I'm just here to learn, dude," he says, wiping his (clean) hands of the matter.

"Traitor," Sun hisses, but Blake is the real threat here. He can't look away from her golden eyes. Her beautiful, _terrifying_ eyes.

"Sun," she says, voice practically purring and sweet as milk and utterly terrifying. "You at least put my daughter back in her little play area rather than let her run around half naked, filthy, and utterly without a diaper, _didn't you?_ " Pitter-patter, pitter-patter.

"I am 99% sure I did, but let me go check," Sun says with a grin that's supposed to be reassuring, but his super faunus hearing can hear it too. _Pitter-patter, pitter-patter._ He starts to beat a hasty retreat from her terrifying golden gaze that she totally did not steal from Cinder.

Neptune makes to follow him. "We'll clean it up before Jaune gets back," he promises, at least looking apologetic.

But speak of the Devil and He shall come. Before the two men can leave the room, the front door of the house opens.

"Blake? We're back! It's nothing to be worried about, just a bit of-"

"Oh, shit," the three supposedly responsible adults whisper as a surprisingly high-pitched scream reverberates through the house.

"It's everywhere!" Jaune screams.

/

* * *

/

Author Note:

Yes, the same person who wrote 'Common Criminal' not only wrote one chapter devoted to innuendo, but also wrote an entire chapter built around diaper jokes and potty humor. No shit indeed. And you have no idea how hard it was to fit in a tame sex joke/allusion to sex in this chapter. That was probably the silliest rule I ever imposed on myself when writing a fic: must make one allusion to happily married sex life per heroine per chapter.

So. Thoughts on Blake. I chose Blake for this section more for Sun and Neptune than Blake herself. They're the ideal 'tough guys' of the cast for this role, and Blake was a better heroine than Weiss to bring them to their comedic potential. As a reserved snarker, she could provide the sparks while also holding her own private thoughts in a way that the more reactive Weiss couldn't. It was an interesting challenge, considering the canonical Sun-Blake ship. I dislike trashing characters of canon couplings just to free up one or the other, so I hope I came up with a reasonable reason. Sun and Neptune, as visiting students, were always going to return eventually, right? No need for animosity, or regret, or character degredation or simply ignoring the inconvenient.

And I think that helped- not just for Sun, who was fun to right, but for Blake. This was one of the more character-developed heroines, with more of a focus on the girl than Jaune, and trying to show how far Blake has come while keeping parts of her recognizably Blake. Having friends, being a more open person- but also being a bit silly beneath the exterior, what with her jokes and her desire to get out of the baby-rearing tasks as much as possible.

/

On another, more imminent shout-out: infinite thanks to Mike Nobel, the artist and composer of the actual song 'Househusband Macho,' who recently noticed it and left a review. Not only was he kind enough to not file a complaint (which would have instantly ended the fic), but he said nice things and pointed out how you can get it yourself! I was always intending to do a shout-out/pointing everyone towards it on Sunday's finale, but I feel a need to do now. Give this man the thanks he's due- for his consideration, for his song, and for generosity towards those like us who imposed on him to make something new. Really- go buy the song for someone this Father's Day!


	9. Eighth Stanza: (Godfather) Ren

Dedication: This is for all those awesome fathers out there, especially the stay at home homies. You guys who do a good job raising kids? You rock.

Disclaimer: I (probably for the best) don't own RWBY. I also don't own the song 'Househusband Macho,' which still belongs to Mike Nobel.

Summary: Jaune left Beacon for a SAHD life. It's not a step down by any means: Jaune Arc may have failed to graduate as a Hunter, but he totally passes as a Stay At Home Dad. Behold the life of the even more impressive Papa Arc, who does what many a badass never dares do: manage a household. A series of shorts, each between Jaune and the lady of RWBY/JNPR that is the mother of his children. (Parallel AUs, not harem.) (Updated daily)

* * *

/

 **A Househusband Macho Or Something**

/

* * *

/

 **VIII**

So here's a warning to all you chauvinist pigs/

You can laugh at us, and make your digs/

But when you're outa work, and home with the kids/

You'll come to me cryin' to teach you the tricks of . . . .

/

* * *

/

"Listen up, maggots! I'm only going to say this once!"

It's like a high-school reunion, only with some of the deadliest, most powerful men and women on the planet. And he didn't actually go to high school with any of them. He recognizes a few people who were at Beacon when he quit, doesn't know the rest, but Ren vouches for them. Between them they have the strength to take on an army of Grimm for weeks, but against this foe they'll be overwhelmed and run into the ground in days.

"You are here because you have chosen, or were chosen, to pursue the most noble purpose of your lives: the perpetuation of our species! Some of you may claim you shouldn't be here- that you didn't mean to, that this is all a mistake or an accident and you shouldn't be here because you aren't planning on it. Let me say this nice and slow for you, numb nuts: I. Don't. Care. You are here because you are the best, the ones who stepped up to safeguard the most precious resource of Remnant, and you _will_ take responsibility and you _will_ take this seriously!"

They're sitting at attention, enraptured, terrified, ready to learn. He never had a teacher like this in Beacon- never had the mix of fear and awe that made you willing to do anything to avoid failure and disappointing the figure that demanded your respect but wouldn't give a damn about you until you earned his. He wonders how he would have been had he had a figure like this as a first year. Hell, he wonders how he would have been had this figure _been_ like this when he was a first year.

"This man? He is your teacher! Your general! Your better in each in every way! He's seen things you best pray to Oum you never do, and if he tells you to do something, you best believe it's for a reason! I've had the honor of fighting beside him before, and let me say you are in good hands! If you listen to him, you _may_ come through this with your sanity intact, rather than like the braindead retards most of you act like you are!"

They turn to him, and there's a judging in their eyes. He can hear the whispers- 'Civilian.' 'Drop out.' 'House hubby.' A few other things. If he can hear them, then his introducer can to. Someone flies into the wall at the rear, and meekly makes their way back to their desk.

"You will give this man the respect you would give Headmistress Goodwitch! You will give this man the _**fear**_ you give me! If I hear anything about how you don't take this seriously, that you don't think this is important because it's not being taught by a certified Hunter, then I will _**personally** _ talk to you as a professional and veteran Hunter and explain the importance of this class _**as I break your knees**_ _._ Then, and only then, will I introduce you to _his_ wife, who will do far worse if you disrespect him! _"_

In the front row Jaune's wife, belly just starting to show again, turns and gives a certain smile and a slight wave to the class in her own unique way. You'd think she would never hurt a fly, until you've seen the combat reports or watched the videos or heard rumors.

(Did you hear? About the legendary Huntress who passed her senior year even after giving birth? They say the new teach is married to her.)

(That's nothing. I heard that she actually gave birth during the finals, didn't quit, and still aced 'em.)

(I heard he's really just a trophy husband she picked out. She needed someone with aura unlocked because she broke all her previous lovers.)

(They say she takes her weapon to bed, and makes him sleep with it too. That he has weapon scars because of her habits. Who would do such a thing?)

(Did you hear what happened to those criminals who tried to attack her home when she was away? I heard she ran all the way back home on foot in time to chop them up and make a stew out of them, just for scratching her baby-maker.)

(Rumor says she threw some girl off of Beacon for flirting with the Prof. Don't classes seem smaller this semester?)

They're practically shaking in terror now- the ones who aren't cowed by the introducer are terrified of the even more (in)famous spouse. When they look at him, they don't see Jaune Arc, Beacon drop-out- they see a man with the ear of forces beyond a student's mortal comprehension. It's, like, intimidation by proxy.

"Professor Arc? The floor is yours. Let me know if you have any issues."

"Thank you, Professor Lie," Jaune says, marveling at how completely his friend can flip that switch between polite and considerate to drill sergeant nasty and back. There'd been some real changes in the green-robed man since he'd had to step into the role of Team Leader, when he'd been forced to speak up and make himself heard. Something had flipped a switch, but it was just a relief that he was still the same true friend he'd always been.

"Alright everyone," Jaune began, getting attention on him and not on the green man looming at the rear of the room. "As you probably gathered, I'm Jaune Arc, and I'll be your special instructor for this class. Welcome to 'Home Education and Childcare 101,' which is a new class that Beacon's trying out to give you hormonal young heroes some guidance on the realities of the home front. For some of you, this is an elective- for others, it's mandatory. You'll notice that there are both students and some of your current teachers alike in this class, and let me assure you that there are some current hunters taking this as a distance learning class through the camera in the back. Hopefully that gives you a sense of how big this pilot program is looking to get. You're never too old, and especially not too young, to start learning something this important. That said, let's start with a simple question- who likes babies?"

There's a scattering of hands.

"Do you mean 'making babies?'" some wit in the back throws out to some sniggers. He, too, mysteriously ends up a crater in the back, to more sniggers. Ren returns to his seat and gives a respectful nod, letting Jaune know he's got his back, as always. Jaune nods in return, and readies his trump card.

Jaune frowns at the rest of the assembled students.

"That's disappointing. I'd hoped to see more hands, _considering most of you are going to be parents soon._ Let's try this again: _**Who likes babies?**_ _"_

It's the sort of parental roar that can end any children's argument from across the house. Every hand shoots up. There's even some cheering.

Jaune nods, satisfied.

"Glad to hear it- because I brought this. Behold! A real baby!"

It's a crib, with two adorable little eyes looking at the world outside it. Instantly the mood of the room shifts- tough guys who pride themselves on their badass stoicism and kickass girls who pride themselves for their unflappable nature instantly turn into cooing crusaders for the cultivation of cuteness, trying to catch the baby's eyes by making funny faces. The smart ones are taking pictures of the baby, knowing it'll last longer- the smartest ones are taking pictures of their peers and the ridiculous expressions they're making. Someone's probably going to get blackmailed by the silly expressions going around. But that's someone else's problem- Jaune heads off the inevitable questions.

"Yes, it is mine. No, it isn't up for adoption. Yes, there are photos for sale if you want them- come see me after class. And no, you may not touch- you must earn that right!"

Jaune looks at them, and gives them the best glare he's been working on since Ren extended this opportunity. It's only slightly undermined by the baby's giggle.

"Your task this semester is to become someone worthy of being trusted with children! A child is not an obligation, a burden, or a weight around your neck- it is the product of your own choices and your own involvement! It will be, and will only be, as good or bad as you yourself are as a caregiver. That is what you are here to learn, and that is what I will try to teach you. How to be a parent."

He starts going over the classwork. "Testing will be simple- we'll start with basic practice exercises, like carrying around an egg without breaking it for a week even during a field exercise, and then move up to more challenging parenting practices: how to mix baby formula one-handed, changing diapers while carrying on a phone conversation, balancing family finances, and so on. We'll also go over the basics of the stages of pregnancy, and how to help deliver your own child if you have to. Believe me, that is not something you want to try and learn the day of! As for your final…"

He gestured at his latest bundle of joy. "This is your final. To prove you deserve to raise a child, you will have to prove you can look after one. If, later in the course, I feel you have the merit to deserve a chance, I will trust you to look after my own child for a period of time. You will be recorded- you will be graded- your every move will be scrutinized beyond all measure. There may or may not be a team of Hunters and Huntresses on stand by to take you down if you start to mess up. But I have faith that most of you will do fine."

A hand shot up. "What if you think we aren't ready to take care of your child?" one student asked.

"Then you won't, you'll fail the exam, and fail the class," Jaune said frankly. "Failing this class will be treated the same as failing any of your others- and unless Beacon's changed since I was here, no one graduates with a failed class. Distance-learning students will have an alternative final dependent on their location. Any questions?"

"If I could add a word, Professor Arc?" Ren asked respectfully from the back of the room.

"Of course, Professor Lie," Jaune surrendered the floor.

Ren walked up to the front of the class. He stood before the basket, and the baby inside recognized him and cackled in glee and stuck its arms out. Ren let out the slightest of smiles and smoothly picked up the baby and held it close to him.

When he turned around, there was no tenderness on his face.

"This," he roared, much to the baby's delighted giggles, "is not just a child. It is a god-child! It is _my_ god-child! You barbarians will treat her with the same care you would dare treat my own, who will also be a part of your exam! When the day comes that one of you lowly punks thinks you're good enough to take care of her, let me warn you this: if there is even _one hair_ out of place by the time your trial is through, you won't just fail this course. I will personally see you kicked out of Beacon! And then expelled after you crawl your way back up! And kicked off again! And that goes for each and every one of you who fails this course! Those who can't even be trusted with children have no right to all themselves Hunters or defenders of the people and children of Remnant, and so you never will be. Your ability to destroy Grimm is nothing compared to your willingness to sacrifice yourself to protect the children of this world. Isn't that right?" he asks the baby, volume flipping from roaring to tender. "Who's the cute baby who they should suffer horrible and painful deaths for? That's right, it's you! It's you! Yes you are! Yes you are!"

The baby laughed. No one else dared. They were all scared shitless of his former teammate.

Jaune sighed. Ren took way too much pride in his honorary family at times- sometimes you'd think he'd carried the baby for nine months himself, and the occasionally still quiet man had probably approached that much time in piggy-backs and child care in the years since. But Ren was his best friend, and had given him invaluable good advice over the years, and had pointed out how good an opportunity this teaching gig really was. And Jaune had done the best he could in return, helping Ren with his own experience in fatherhood, looking after his own god-child in return and sharing both high points and hard-learned lessons. Together they'd come far, and together they'd realized that this could work. Great minds thought alike, and had come up with as good a plan as they could.

Still- there had to be a better way of getting babysitters every night during finals season for a man dates and hanging out than assigning it as homework.

* * *

Author Note:

Godfather Ren. No, he's not the mother, even though he acts like it at times. Seriously- the only reason he wouldn't outright adopt Jaune's kids if the worst ever happened is because he's probably shipping (one of?) them with his own, unnamed, child ** _ren_**. (Badum-tish.)

There was a real delima about who Jaune's partner this chapter should be. I thought about the typical 'accessory' Jaune harem candidates- Velvet in particular, since Cardin could have been that 'chauvinist pig' approaching for help- but ultimately I felt they weakened the story as a whole. Outsiders outside of the year group either undermined the premise of Jaune dropping out his senior year (when most others mothers wouldn't have to choose between school or kids), or had entirely different problems. I did give just a little too much consideration to the idea of rule63, either Jean or Ren.

Ren's been mentioned quite often as a godfather and Jaune's confidant, and he made a good way to round out the thematic focus on Teams RWBY and JNPR. Throughout the story I've tried to bring up and/or involve someone other than Jaune and the Mother, to emphasize that the world is still bigger than just their household, and Ren was the most frequent one of them. I felt it appropriate he get his day to shine- and that I should show my headcanon of how 'Teamleader Ren' would have developed post-Jaune. It probably went something like, "You want me to speak up louder? I'LL SPEAK LOUDER FOR YOU YOU IGNORANT MAGGOT! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW, OR DO I NEED TO RIP OFF YOUR EARS AND YELL INTO THEM DIRECTLY?'

Just saying. Rule of comedy.

That all said, clever readers will realize how this fic ties into the finale tomorrow... tomorrow. Imagine that.


	10. Father's Day: All

Dedication: This is for all those awesome fathers out there, especially the stay at home homies. You guys who do a good job raising kids? You rock.

Disclaimer: I (probably for the best) don't own RWBY. I also don't own the song 'Househusband Macho.'

Summary: Jaune left Beacon for a SAHD life. It's not a step down by any means: Jaune Arc may have failed to graduate as a Hunter, but he totally passes as a Stay At Home Dad. Behold the life of the even more impressive Papa Arc, who does what many a badass never dares do: manage a household. A series of shorts, each between Jaune and the lady of RWBY/JNPR that is the mother of his children. (Parallel AUs, not harem.) (Updated daily)

* * *

/

 **A Househusband Macho Or Something**

/

* * *

/

 **HOUSEHUSBAND MACHO!**

Music and Lyrics c 2004 by

Mike Nobel, Gorham, Maine USA

 **I**

Well he was born in the heat of Feminist flames/

When women grew tired of domestic chains/

He saw their plight, he joined their fight/

He has the guts to makes things right!

 **II**

Now there's a new kinda man in our land/

With lonely pride, he makes his stand/

Raisin' babies is his first love/

And he works all day in Playtex gloves!

 **III**

Yeah, he's up in the morning when the rooster crows/

Fryin' eggs, and layin' out clothes/

To his working wife he says, Give 'em hell, honey!"/

Then he hands his kids their hot lunch money!

 **IV**

He gets everybody on out the door/

Then he tackles a mountain of domestic chores/

Cleans the whole house, and when he's through/

He still has time to watch "Oprah" too!

 **CHORUS**

They call him, Househusband Macho!/

(Ya better not give him any lip!)/

Househusband Macho!/

(He kin fight with a baby on each hip!)/

Househusband Macho!/

(He has "Ivory Liquid" hands)/

He's a mean 'n' lean, baby weanin'/

Bed Straightenin', meal makin'/

Car poolin' "Tupperware" sellin' man!

 **V**

Now when his wife gets home, and falls in her chair/

He has her martini waiting there/

She winks her eye, and pats his thigh/

He'll be ready if she needs him later tonight!/

 **VI**

Well, he kin mop a floor, and stand straight 'n' tall/

Wipe a fingerprint offn' a wall/

He lives his life right on the edge/

And he shoots from the hip with "Lemon Pledge"!

 **VII**

Now tough guys, like John Wayne/

They might look rough in a movie frame/

But their kind would run the other way/

If they had to get a baby toilet trained!

 **VIII**

So here's a warning to all you chauvinist pigs/

You can laugh at us, and make your digs/

But when you're outa work, and home with the kids/

You'll come to me cryin' to teach you the tricks of . . . .

 **(Repeat CHORUS) . . . .**

Househusband Macho!/

(Ya better not give him any lip!)/

Househusband Macho!/

(He kin fight with a baby on each hip!)/

Househusband Macho!/

(He has "Ivory Liquid" hands)/

He's a mean 'n' lean, baby weanin'/

Bed Straightenin', meal makin'/

Car poolin' "Tupperware" sellin' man!

/

* * *

/

""Tupperware" sellin' ma-a-a-a-aaaaaaan!"

Jaune watched from his bed as his children held out the note as long as they could, and then burst into applause when they no longer could.

"Bravo! Bravo!" he cheered his little actor troupe as they gasped for breath. "That was wonderful!" he said in good cheer, loving the stitch in his side from the laughter.

They beamed at his praise. "Happy Father's Day!" they chorused, his wife joining them from behind.

"Thank you all, I mean it," Jaune expressed, looking over them all. He cocked an eye at his wife, and she understood.

"Alright, time for breakfast," he wife said, shooing the children out of the room. "Why don't you get your Father what you prepared, so we can treat him to breakfast in bed?" she prompted, sending them scurrying to the kitchen where food and drink were no doubt already laid out to be carried back.

None the less, they had a brief moment of privacy. He intended to make the most of it- no sooner had she walked by the bedside than he threw an arm out, drawing her close. She didn't resist, and instead sat on the bed beside him as he put his head on her shoulder in marital affection.

"That was lovely. Was that your idea?" he asked, curious.

"They wanted to give you a show," she demurred. "I simply helped them choose a song." And gave them directions for the dance routine, and made them practice, and taught them to sing together and on-pitch rather than over each other like a like a tone-deaf cacophony…

"Thanks," he said simply, giving her a squeeze. "That made my Father's day."

"You deserve it, Jaune," she said. "It's your day, after all- I should be thanking _you_."

"You've given me enough already," he claimed, but she rolls her eyes at his modesty.

"I mean it," she says. "We- I- we've asked a lot of you, Jaune, and you've given it all. You let me be a Huntress. You raised the children yourself. You kept the house clean. And you kept a spot open for me to come back to and call home. You did it all even though I was away so long and so often and wasn't around to help. Don't try to deny it- just let us show our appreciation for you today, even if it's only just for a day."

"Just for a day? No appreciation tomorrow?" he teased. She swatted his arm, but smiled back.

"Tomorrow I go back to work," she said. "But today, I'll do whatever you want."

She knows exactly where his mind will go, sees the salacious smile start to rise, but puts a finger to his lips. "Later," she promises, just as the kids come back carrying runny eggs and barely cooked bacon and half a cup of orange juice that's been clearly been spilled more than once.

It's delicious, clearly made with love as the secret ingredient, and he tells each and every one of them that.

Later, when the morning calms down and the children go out to Uncle Ren's house for the day, he and his wife are alone and she keeps her promise. They lie together, basking in the afterglow, and they talk.

"So… I could ask for anything I want today, right?" Jaune feels out, wanting to make sure he isn't pushing his boundaries. He couldn't go again right now if he wanted to, not yet, but there's something on his mind.

"Of course," his wife says. He can ask whatever he wants- whether he'll get it is another question.

(Or does she simply say "Anything," trusting him to ask appropriate things? Or does she take it as a challenge and say "Let's hear it." Or does she caution him "Don't be a dunce about it," but listen on anyways? Is she serious and does she say "A promise is a promise"? Or is she flippant and whimsical and decides to go with "Does it involve syrup? We don't have enough to cover the both of us." So many variation along the same lines, but all with the same intent. They'd all, she would, at least consider it.)

"And if I asked you to take that teaching position at Beacon that Mrs. Goodwitch offered?"

It's a serious question. It deserves serious consideration. Goodwitch had come with an offer for a teaching position, looking for an experienced Huntress who could fill in for a year or three until a more permanent replacement could be found. It'd be good pay, regular hours, and soft living compared the field. But it'd also mean not being in the field for awhile- not patrolling the streets or hunting Grimm nests or tracking down evil-doers. Not doing what Hunters and Huntresses do, in the name of teaching the next generation how to.

It's a major thing for her career. For her job. They'd have to move and the kids would have to change schools and they'd be leaving behind local friends even if they would be moving closer to old ones.

"Why do you want me to go to Beacon?" she asks.

"I've… been thinking about trying to go back to school," Jaune admits. "To finish." For a moment he's not the man whose raised their children, but he's the slightly awkward adorkable teen with a good heart that she fell in love with in part because he wanted to make something more of himself. "I've been studying, working out to get back into shape, and now that the kids are going to school I think I could do it. Graduate, I mean. Finish becoming a Hunter."

She doesn't bother telling him that she already knows he could have done it. That she and the children already consider him a hero, if only to them, if only because he's the only reason they are alive and laughing here and now.

"Is that why Glenda gave the offer to me?" she asks instead, suspecting the answer for the unexpected and unsought opportunity.

"I… may have taken the application test and submitted transcripts already," Jaune admitted. "Real ones, this time- my Beacon scores from the first time through." He looked a bit ashamed at going behind her back, but also a bit proud. "They accepted me. For real this time."

She hides her initial impulse of a response. "And when were you going to tell me you were going back to school?" she asks instead.

His eyes widen, believing he's presumed too much. "After we talked about the teaching position! If you seemed open to it. Which would have been… now," he finished meekly. "I'm not committed," he hastened to reassure. "If it's too much to ask, if now's not a good time in your career, I can wait. I just thought it'd go well along with the other request I'd have and-"

He shuts up, a bit too late, having said a bit too much.

First he wants breakfast in bed, then he wants sex, then he wants to make a career decision for her, to move the home and family just so he can go to school? So many wishes for one little day, and now he wants something more?

She mounts him: gets up on top of him so that she can look straight down at him, grabs his face so that he can't look away or hide from her. Her hair is falling over his face, but that's okay. She doesn't mind- it'll make it harder for him to look at anything else but her.

"What else do you want this Father's Day, oh husband of mine?" she asks, and she can't help but sound bemused.

He's meek at first, but then visibly he gathers his confidence, and then meets her eyes with resolve.

"I want to be a Father again," he says. "On purpose this time."

She's speechless.

Honestly, sincerely speechless. Can think of nothing to say- and so instead she listens like a good wife. No, like a good life partner.

"I have a plan this time," Jaune lays out. "I've checked the finances, and if you took the job we'd be able to afford it without any real issue. I'd take classes, maybe work a little part time if I have to, but with a bit of help from you and Ren and the others I'm sure I can pass. You'd be a teacher until the baby is due, and then take maternity leave, and by that point I should be close to finishing the year. I'll go back to being a stay-at-home Dad knowing I did it, you can spend the rest of the time training at Beacon to get back into shape, and the baby should be sleeping soundly by the time we leave. The kids could got to a local school in Vale or maybe get tutored by someone at Beacon, and I have a sister who's moved to Vale and who could help us find a good apartment in the meantime, and-" he trails off, looking her looking at him.

She still says nothing. Doesn't know how to articulate what's in her mind.

"You're not saying anything," Juane states the obvious. "Is that a no?"

She leans down and kisses him, hard, harder than she has since that night in the Beacon infirmary so many years ago.

Jaune's breathless when she lets up. "Is that a yes?" he asks again, and she answers again, even though that time he probably did it just to get that reaction out of her.

This time she when she raises up she lets free the impulse she'd restrained before when he'd told her he'd been accepted. She doesn't merely smile, she _beams_ \- willing, joyful, _proud_. She doesn't need to declare that he's going to be an excellent Hunter: she already knows. She already knows he's the sort of person who'd be a great hero, who'd not only save lives but then protect and nurture and give them a chance to _live_ , because he's already an amazing father. There's nothing reserved about the pride she has when she thinks that, nothing anyone could say that could challenge it, because she has two wonderful children to prove it to all of Remnant and soon she'll have another.

"That's a yes," she clarifies, touching his face tenderly, and Jaune lets loose the tension he'd been holding.

"I was so nervous!" he laughs beneath her, chest going up in down and smiling in a beautiful way. "I really didn't know if you'd be willing. Thank you," he says, and touches her back.

Her smile becomes a bit playful, a bit coy. "Well it _is_ Father's Day, and I _did_ promise I'd do whatever you want," she says with false resignation, as if she didn't have a choice in the matter. "And like you love to say, an Arc never goes back on their word, and I _am_ the Missus Arc, or so all the salespeople keep telling me…" she trails off self-pityingly.

"Says the woman who married me without changing her name," he reminds-

(The amazing Pyrrha Nikos.)

(The sweet (if no longer innocent) Ruby Rose.)

(The glorious Nora Valkerie.)

(The lovely Yang Xiao Long.)

(The angelic Weiss Schnee.)

(The purr-fect Blake Belladonna.)

-the most amazing woman in Remnant, his wife.

"It's close enough," she sniffs. "I can claim it if I want to."

"Close enough," Jaune Arc agrees with a laugh, and then gives her an arduous kiss. "So, ready to start on our next child, 'Missus Arc'?" he asks, pulling her down towards him.

"Now?" she squeaks despite herself, despite the fact that she already mounted him and that they're still both naked beneath the sheets that no longer cover her. "But, the children-"

"Will be gone for the rest of the day," Jaune finishes. "I asked Ren to take them to the zoo after lunch."

His wife realizes what that means, and chuckles. "Why Jaune Arc, it's almost like you planned this," she playfully accuses. "Where ever did you learn to manipulate people so?" she asks, not at all aghast.

"Beacon taught me to make the best use of my team mates," Jaune answered. "The trickery comes from managing kids. The rest is all natural."

Caught up in the moment, she giggles like the school girl she was when they started going out and not just the woman she is now. "Well, let's hope your skill with that sword of yours has improved and gotten as good as your skill with children," she whispers huskily, and kisses him again.

It has, and much to her delight he's pleased to prove it.

* * *

/

 _Fin_

/

* * *

/

Final Author Notes:

This is for all the Dad's out there. If you've a Dad who did a good job with you, stay at home or not, give 'em a call today, alright?

This is the end of 'Househusband Macho or Something,' a 19,500 word work not including the author notes and such. It was an experiment in various ways: writing a collection of shorts to a song, writing varying and relationship dynamics (with often uncommon pairings), and something unreservedly optimistic and ultimately upbeat. Have to prove I have a heart every once in a while, even if only to myself. I went with 'established' relationships because (a) I had no time/energy/interest in writing a series (or even a single) route developing a relationship from start to househusband, and (b) it was suitably different from the norm. Most romance fics simply end once the couple gets together: stories that show what happens afterwards, no matter how briefly, are much rarer. In the interest of being interesting, I went with the one more likely to be distinctive.

The song 'Househusband Macho' is an old song from my youth that's hard to find- you can find the lyrics easier than a clip via google. (It's also a Father's Day special this year at amazon- 99cents!.) To order from iTunes, please visit: us/album/househusband-macho!-single/id1004828886. The song was featured on NPR's "All Things Considered" (in the early 80's, when first recorded), in articles in the Washington Post, Boston Globe, and USA Today, and became an "audience favoritee" on the Minnesota Public Radio (MPR) "Morning Show" (featuring Prarie Home Companion's former sound effects genius, Tom Keith). NPR featured the song on their first "Keepers" fundraising CD of audience favorites, selling over 10,000 copies. It was a song I grew up with.

It's also a perfect sort of song for Jaune, who's the guy far outmatched by all the girls of the series. Part of the appeal, I know, but it's not the easiest spot in life if you're a guy being judged by your ability to be the protector/provider, anymore than being a househusband is. Defying gender norms is tough... but that's part of why they people who pull it off are worth respecting. Good parenting is always worth respecting. Once I had the idea of Jaune as a parent for a Father's Day fic, I remembered this song and had no choice but to try this out. Mike Nobel, who was alerted and took a look, had a choice to object- and chose not to. Thank you, Mike. In two very real ways, this could not have happened without you.

With that all said- hope you all enjoyed it, even if most of the fic wasn't your favorite or preferred Jaune ship. I'm not sure I'd consider this a particularly 'romantic' fic, per see, but hopefully it had the quality to stand on its own. Thank you for your interest, please drop a review before you go, and once again please give applause to all the good husbands and fathers out there, whether yours or not. Good parents make for better kids which make the best societies.

Cheers,

C.F.


End file.
